Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Stephen Hawking is getting a divorce. That's scary. If the smartest guy in the world can't figure out women, we're screwed.
So China's president [Hu Jintao] meets, uh - meets America's president. It's like President "Who?" meeting President "Huh?"
Rick Perry unveiled his new tax plan. He says he wants a flat tax. He believes that tax should be flat, just like the earth.
Today Arnold Schwarzenegger made another major announcement. He said his lieutenant governor will be Xena, Warrior Princess.
We ought to thank President Bush. He made it a lot easier for people to do taxes this year. No job, no income tax this year.
The Canadian Prime Minister said Canada would lend the U.S. its full military support. You know what that means: Both tanks.
I tried to log on to the Obamacare website today. I don't think I'm doing it right. I lost 300 bucks playing Texas Hold 'Em.
Howard Dean was endorsed by Al Gore. Now, if Dean could get Gray Davis to campaign for him, that would put him over the top.
It's casual Friday, which means that at the White House, they're casually going through everybody's phone calls and records.
We pick politicians by how they look on TV and Miss America on where she stands on the issues. Isn't that a little backwards?
A survey asked married women when they most want to have sex. 84 per cent of them said right after their husband is finished.
What's the difference between Lindsay Lohan and Rick Perry? It only takes Lindsay four and a half hours to finish a sentence.
We should make politicians dress like race car drivers -- when they get money, make them wear the company logos on their suit.
Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.
San Francisco hosted the first medical marijuana job fair. The keynote speech was titled, 'Jobs and How to Avoid Getting One.'
Big scandal on the new 'Survivor' series. The white, the black and the Hispanic teams were caught cheating off the Asian team.
President Bush listed his income as $822,000. You know what John Kerry calls someone who earns $822,000? Not even worth dating.
Not a good night for President Obama. He lost elections in Virginia, New Jersey, and he's not doing good in Afghanistan either.
Donald Trump says he’s President Obama’s worst nightmare. That’s not true. Having to make a decision is Obama’s worst nightmare.
Saddam Hussein is dead, and Osama bin Laden is dead. If you’re Moammar Gadhafi, living in exile is starting to sound really good.
When a candidate walks away from a reality show, that's when you know they're serious about being president of the United States.
Forty million Americans smoked marijuana; the only ones who didn’t like it were Judge Ginsberg, Clarence Thomas and Bill Clinton.
When President Chirac gave [President] Bush a souvenir statue of the Eiffel Tower... Bush said 'This is great! A little oil rig!'
Scientists say they have developed a car that can run on water. The only catch is, the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico.
The economy is so bad that bedbugs are now infesting sleeping bags and tents, because they can't afford to stay in hotels anymore.
Barack Obama now says he is open to offshore oil drilling. So, apparently, when he promised change, he was talking about his mind.
Howard Dean is a politician, a medical doctor and a Democrat. So he has three reasons to tell women to take off their clothes now.
The United States have developed a new weapon that destroys people but it leaves buildings standing. It's called the stock market.
Another air traffic controller fell asleep on the job, but he had a good excuse. He was watching President Obama’s deficit speech.
Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be people in this town couldn't wait to get an envelope full of white powder.
A new study says that over half of all Californians are obese. In fact, half of Californians are really two-thirds of Californians.
All of Iraq's oil fields are under U.S. control which is ironic considering all the gas stations here are run by Middle Easterners.
The big rumor going around is, we may begin bombing Iraq. Or, as the White House calls it, Operation Keep Enron Off The Front Page.
Do you know who will be in charge of health care? The IRS. You thought getting audited was bad? Wait until your next prostate exam.
President Bush called Arnold to congratulate him today, and after he got off the phone, Arnold said, 'I thought my English was bad.'
This problem with illegal immigration is nothing new. In fact, the Indians had a special name for it. They called it "white people."
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said this week there's a good chance we never get bin Laden. bin Laden! We couldn't even get O.J.!
One critic in the L.A. Times said John Kerry looks like he is thinking too much. Well this is one place President Bush has him beat.
According to CNN, Donald Rumsfeld said the war in Iraq did not go according to plan. And President Bush said, 'What? We had a plan?'
The circus doesn't stop. A federal appeals court has postponed the recall election. How stupid are we? Even our recalls get recalled.
President Obama said he plans on training 10,000 new math and science teachers. How about teaching math to that economic team of his?
Here's an interesting figure: 43 percent of the incoming congressional freshmen are millionaires. The other 57 percent are Democrats.
U.N. weapons inspectors found empty chemical warheads in Iraq. So, the question everyone is asking now is how did Sean Penn miss this?
Researchers in England say tall men are more likely to have more children than short men. Here in America we call that the NBA theory.
While President Bush was out of town Hillary Clinton stopped by the White House on Friday for an important meeting with her decorator.
Casey Anthony was found not guilty. This means that President Obama’s economic team is only the second-most clueless group in America.
BP CEO Tony Hayward said he would just like to get his life back. He wants to get his life back. You know, I say give him life plus 20.
More bad news for the Taliban. Remember how they are promised 72 virgins when they die? Turns out that it's only one 72-year-old virgin.
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?'
55% of all Americans lose their remote control 5 times a week. That means that they must see the same show for up to 3-4 minutes a time!