Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
As Miss America, my goal is to bring peace to the entire world and then get my own apartment.
All I ask is that you tip your waiters and waitresses. We have to turn this situation around.
At the Sharper Image store, I saw a body fat analyzer. Didn't that used to be called a mirror?
I feel bad for people who die on Valentine's Day. How much would flowers cost then, ten grand?
The key to a long and healthy marriage is that, honestly, there's nothing worth fighting about.
Every year Steve Kaufman supports the charity “Love Ride” by donating a painting to this cause.
Ratings for the XFL are so low that pretty soon they'll be able to address the viewers by name.
I guess you heard, Hillary Clinton has a new campaign slogan: "I've fallen and I can't get up!"
I was going to start off tonight with an Obama joke but I don't want to get audited by the IRS.
Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
The United States is sending its most powerful drone to Libya. That’s a long trip for Joe Biden.
Some sad news, President Bush's lapdog passed away. Gee, I didn't even know Tony Blair was sick?
I've lost some weight. I am on that new Obama diet. Every day I let Vladimir Putin eat my lunch.
9% would give up sex for the remote control. 91% has already given up sex for the remote control!
Sixty years ago this week Hitler invaded Poland. This led to the creation of The History Channel.
If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.
How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak?
Here is a very inexpensive costume idea. Wear a re-elect Obama button and go out as a journalist.
Scientists think they can now clone an all-white zebra. Now, I'm no expert, but isn't that a horse?
Martha Stewart was found guilty on all charges. You know what that means, stripes are in this year.
Arnold said this is a last minute attack by Democrats. How did Arnold know to grope only Democrats?
You know what you call the two winners of that $580 million PowerBall lottery? ... Former Democrats
The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree...and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
President Bush spent the day calling names he couldn't pronounce in countries he never knew existed.
New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.
The worst thing about losing this job: I’m no longer covered by NBC. I have to sign up for ObamaCare.
President Obama told the Irish people that America will always stand by them, to which Israel laughed.
How many are worried about a government shutdown? How many are more worried about it starting back up?
The difference between Men and Women is that Men love The 3 Stooges, and Women think they're assholes.
President Obama was in India yesterday visiting our jobs. Tomorrow he goes to China to visit our money.
L.A.'s large convenience stores are so big they can accommodate up to twenty armed robbers at one time.
President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner played golf this weekend. Obama’s handicap is Joe Biden.
When you fix something with your hands it gives you a sense of accomplishment and a sense of self worth.
Donald Trump says that he will not run for president. You know why? He can't find his birth certificate.
The Republican debate got pretty heated. They spent most of their time arguing over who God called first.
Today is February 14th - St. Valentine's day. Women call it Love day, while men name it as Extortion day.
One thing about mildly dyslexic people - they're good at setting everything else aside to pursue one goal.
President Bush fell off his bicycle this weekend and you know what was really sad? It's a stationary bike.
John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of every issue were discussed. And then, Nader spoke.
Obama called on Americans to have more grandchildren. Probably so there's more of them to pay off our debt.
You know who Boehner is, right? He's that orange looking guy. See, for Republicans that counts as diversity.
Britney Spears told an interviewer if she weren't famous, she would be a teacher. So thank God she's famous.
Remember the good old days when the only bomb you had to worry about on a plane was the Rob Schneider movie?
How many have seen that Osama bin Laden footage? Pretty scary. In fact, today, NBC ordered 13 more episodes.
If there isn't a parking space out front or I can't see my car from the window, we're eating somewhere else.
CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts: regular, premium and unleaded.
It's cold out. It's even cold in Florida. So cold today that Katherine Harris put on a third layer of makeup.
Financial experts are saying we are entering a new chapter in the American economy. I believe it's Chapter 11.
A new study found that people who are depressed have a greater risk of stroke. Well that should cheer them up.
The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.