Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Never perform for your family. They either laugh too hard or not at all.
It's not called cocaine any more. It's now referred to as Crack Classic.
If we go down in flames, we will be laughing on the way down, believe me.
George W. Bush loves golf because it's like the election--low score wins.
Last night I went out for Chinese. I picked up a Team USA Olympic uniform.
If you restore a car, and you're making money, then you're doing it wrong.
If you give everybody a slice of pie, you will still have more than enough.
You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh... it's as simple as that.
Rick Santorum is so conservative; he thinks KY Jelly is jam made in Kentucky.
If I have one advantage, it's that I will try to work harder than the next guy.
I went to see that movie 'From Hell,' or as Osama bin Laden calls it - 'Roots.'
Now, I have a Halloween mask I think you might get a kick out of. That's scary.
Did you hear about the dog that was so high-strung, he developed a nervous tick?
People don't mind if you have a lot of money if they know you're working for it.
Geraldo has returned to the states. See? I told you airline security was a joke.
Inauguration Security was tighter than Kirstie Alley in a pair of spandex pants.
In America, we like everyone to know about the good work we're doing anonymously.
Know what the Taliban leaders like to do for fun? Just sit around and get bombed.
There is a video out now on how to please men. Here's tip number 1: Just show up!
You know what they say when a supermodel gets pregnant? Now she's eating for one.
Really? Anyone intimidated by Barack Obama? He can't even keep Joe Biden in line.
Fox News has changed its slogan from 'Fair and Balanced' to 'See, I told you so!'
If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.
For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward.
Show business pays you a lot of money, because eventually you’re gonna get screwed.
I'm going to be going to a secluded spot where no one can find me - NBC prime time.
Did you see Walker's father? 'My son loves America.' Yeah, like O.J. loved his wife.
Romney raised $10 million. That’s a dollar for every position he’s had on healthcare.
Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.
The good news is, the stock market is closed and it can't hurt us again until tomorrow.
Senator Chris Dodd unveiled his plan to reduce corruption in the Senate. He's retiring.
Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors.
Statistics show 50% of the people use the internet. The rest have sex with real people.
The Kinsey Institute says gay men have bigger sex organs. Hence the origin of gay pride.
The first Olympic Games were held in 776 BC. Do you know who lit the flame? Betty White.
Show business is like Champagne. You'll appreciate it more if you don't drink it everyday
They say if the warming trend continues, by 2015 Hillary Clinton might actually thaw out.
Do you realize that the Bush administration has now produced more gay marriages than jobs?
If Jay spent as much time studying as he does trying to be a comedian, he'd be a big star.
Howard Dean dropped out of the race today. At least he can't claim his voice wasn't heard.
Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street
Form 1040 was chosen by the IRS because for every $50 you earn, you get 10 and they get 40.
When you work with your hands, you learn to appreciate how easy it is to earn money talking.
It looks like Rudy Giuliani is out of the race. Finally, a Republican with an exit strategy.
The good news is, President Obama was born in America. The bad news is, so was Donald Trump.
They had so much rain in New York that a lot of the cabbies had their first shower in years.
106 [degrees] in the valley... I was sweating like Dan Rather checking for forged documents.
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
Enron is now officially out of the energy business. They are now in a new business: confetti.