Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you've met your New Year's resolution.
Happiness is a privilege.
I don’t like goodbyes, NBC does.
Ambition beats genius 99% of the time
Regulations force people to do better.
Changing the story until you believe it.
I believe engineers will save the world.
It's always bad news when you kill your date
Politics is just show business for ugly people.
Men are liars. We lie about lying if we have to.
Soup is just a way of screwing you out of a meal.
Marriage is grand. Divorce is about twenty grand.
You aren't famous until my mother has heard of you.
You're not famous until my mother has heard of you.
You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.
Anybody can have a life. Careers are hard to come by.
I'm not a person who carries my emotions on my sleeve.
If you're a gunfighter, you like to die in the street.
Anybody who gives their car to a valet isn't a car guy
When did the government become our psycho ex-girlfriend
Kentucky Fried Chicken.. KFC... Keep Fooling Customers.
Dean is a doctor but he acts more like a postal worker!
I had a dog that was so lazy, he had a prerecorded bark.
Contact with the customer is what business is all about.
Having a life is easy. Having a career is hard to come by.
If politicians all told the truth, we'd be out of business.
Diet Coke with lemon - didn't that used to be called Pledge?
My wife loves Europe, but to me it's a bad day at a theme park.
The best way to ruin a comedy is to throw a lot of money at it.
My dad's idea of a good time is to go to Sears and walk around.
If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
They say hot dogs can kill you. How do you know it's not the bun?
America needs ObamaCare like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
Michael Jackson has a new baby boy; no word yet who the father is.
My stockbroker asked me something important today: paper or plastic?
Racecar driving is a lot like sex; all men think they're good at it.
Before we give the government any more money, show us some receipts.
Your preoccupation should be on doing what you do as well as you can.
If any job should give you a company car, it's the car bomb business.
I didn't realize it was October until I saw the Chicago Cubs choking.
You know who must be very secure in their masculinity? Male ladybugs.
I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for "Running off to Canada."
It looks like President Obama has a new campaign slogan: 'Yes I Did.'
You know what Ken Lay had for breakfast this morning? Shredded Wheat.
Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!
I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for 'Running off to Canada.'
I think there's one more thing Perry can forget, too: Being president.
Soup is probably a way associated with screwing you outside of a meal.
You know what I'm doing for Easter? I'm gonna be hanging with my Peeps.
A Christmas tree--the perfect gift for a guy. The plant is already dead.
