Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
Predictions are preposterous.
Honesty is nothin' compared to decency.
I've found that my humor goes over big in London.
Jews are living in the past and they can't get over it.
My comedy doesn't come from any calculations and studies.
I regularly sell out more in England than I do in America.
A Jew never laughs without looking at his wife for approval.
Only the Republican Party cares about the issues that concern me.
I have no idea what's going to happen with America in the future.
There are more Democratic schmucks than there are Republican ones.
Would you put a pastrami in your mouth if you didn't want to eat it?
If an Englishman gets run down by a truck he apologizes to the truck.
A person who speaks good English in New York sounds like a foreigner.
Hillary Clinton's life has been filled with corruption but nobody cares.
Truthfully, with the Republicans, I don't see that much wrong with them.
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.
I can't predict the future and I don't have respect for people who try to.
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
Even the Republican Party doesn't have the legs to challenge Hillary Clinton.
Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant - even if they wanted to be one?
It's not a query of staying wholesome. It's a query of discovering a illness you want.
Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.
It is more profitable for your congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life.
I have nothing but love in my heart and everything I say is just an instrument for laughs.
It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.
I've got another friend who is half-German and half-Polish. He hates Jews but can't remember why!
Did you hear about the accountant who became am embezzler? He ran away with the accounts payable!
I've got a friend who is half-Jewish and half-Italian. If he can't buy it wholesale, he steals it!
I am very proud of my career and that I've the health, thank God, to continue doing this for so long.
Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right - two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen.
I didn't think it was fair to pretend to give of myself when I was so selfishly consumed with my own drives.
America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the mattress.
I was so self -conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me.
A schmuck is a general term of disrespect. It's a term of contempt and derision. It applies to a lot of people.
Every comedian feels out an audience. As you're telling jokes, if they're not laughing at this, you change the subject.
People make fools out of themselves in all sorts of ways. No particular qualifications or particular criteria are necessary.
Everybody knows we're entitled to one Jerusalem. History reveals very simply that this is our land from the days of the Bible.
Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade ... If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball with a lower net.
I knew nothing about professional comedians when I became a comedian. I was a rabbi. So I had no professional comedians to learn from.
I always thought music was more important than sex—then I thought if I don't hear a concert for a year-and-a-half it doesn't bother me.
The last thing we need is another Clinton to be our President. Believe me, one lowlife was enough. We don't need the lowlife's partner.
All the Democrats do is bicker. They're not concerned about the war or the fate of the United States of America. They're desperate characters.
Comparing what the Democrats offer to what the Republicans offer is like comparing the money I have in my pocket to what Bill Gates has in his.
I have always found myself trying to study and analyze the world around me - not just taking everything for granted and following whatever is popular.
The main problem with the Democrats is their utter negativity. They're made up of schumucks and hypocrites. They also have higher levels of immorality.
Older Jews think of Franklin Delano Roosevelt and see themselves as siding with the working class and the poor, so they continue to vote the way they do.
I can't pretend that I'm a great student of the art of comedy because anybody that becomes philosophical about humor doesn't know what he's talking about.
I can't pretend that I'm a great student of the art of comedy because anybody that becomes philosophical about humour doesn't know what he's talking about.
My father was a very successful businessman, but he was ruined in the stock market crash. A big stockbroker jumped out the window and fell on his pushcart.
