Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I have to satisfy my audience.
A lot of comedians are selfish.
I was the hallway clown in high school.
I'm looking to be the next comedy mogul.
Women put guys through tests all the time.
Oh, yeah, I've seen 'Seinfeld' 1,000 times.
I thought 'Pineapple Express' was hilarious.
Father's Day just be Mother's Day the sequel.
I drive a big Dodge truck. I drive American cars.
I never write jokes, I just try to make myself laugh.
We came here to pick up chicks, not talk about dicks.
What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.
Some of the best dramatic actors have started in comedy.
You can't let people take advantage of you. Go get that ass.
I'm putting on a suit and tie when I go see The Great Gatsby.
Sad when you spend more time trying to stay alive than living.
True Yankees fans know an up-and-coming player when they see one.
My life is gardening, cleaning around the house and power washing.
I should be European. I'm long and lean. I'd look good in a trench coat.
I love to pitch things that I believe in and products that I love to use.
It's not even race; it's a certain type of person that gets 'Pootie Tang.
You gotta improvise in life. You gotta improv if the police pull you over.
I don't like to dabble in anything I don't do well. I don't talk politics.
You turn hotdogs with tongs. Don't you ever use those tongs on a hamburger.
When I started stand-up, the first thing I did was to take an improv class.
There're rules to being the side chick. Rule number one: you're number two.
Police blog or entertainment news, it's just good to see your name in print.
I should be European, man. I'm long and lean. I'd look good in a trench coat.
All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest.
I just always found it easier to be the same guy onstage as you are offstage.
You can wait for things to happen for you or you can make things happen for you.
You got to start by doing little things if your quest is to take over the world.
If your boss asks you why you're comin' in late, you say it's 'cause you stayed late.
People love things about Hollywood. People love to see the inside of what's going on.
When you're babysitting a kid, all you're seeing is a version of them, a small dosage.
It's an ongoing joke that a black man is always the first one to get killed in movies.
I'm big on facial expressions, and I'm big on mannerisms, which I find to be hilarious.
This Italian restaurant I'm at is authentic! When they seat you, they give you a mustache.
Damn! This flight attendant treating us like we won these first class tickets in a contest.
Sometimes, when you get a girl pregnant, you blame the condom. His condom broke that night.
You want your lady to be a contortionist. What man wouldn't want a lady who's a contortionist?
I have big hands. I can't do the touch-screen thing. I'm a button guy. I want to press buttons.
Being a parent is about your survival. Surviving the terrible two's is the most important thing.
I'm a thief. I steal scenes, I steal opportunities. I am the ultimate thief. I got sticky fingers.
Let me tell about Tennessee. If your car breaks down in Tennessee, you have just moved to Tennessee.
I did a club one night - the speakers were old as hell. My jokes were coming out in black and white.
Remember Tupperware? That was the toughest stuff ever. Why can't they make a phone out of Tupperware?
I wish black people had a flag they could put into the ground, like when the troops stormed Iwo Jima.
At the top of this list has to be "get in that ass". It's the ultimate Leonism to get you through life.
For me, standup will always be some part of my life, and other things will move around and find their place.