Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.
Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.
That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.
I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.
I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?
His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.
My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!
I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.
A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.
I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.
I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.
A tough guy told me, "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him.
I think the world of you...and you know what condition the world is in today.
A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"
Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.
The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"
There is no spark like the one ignited under the aspirations of a new graduate.
She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!"
Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.
I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can't wait to exchange.
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!
When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter."
Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.
During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.
A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.
This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"
Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.
I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.
If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.