Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
There's a man outside with a big black mustache. - Tell him I've got one.
I never go to movies where the hero's tits are bigger than the heroine's.
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I'm not going to pay good money to join a club that lets in people like me.
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first.
Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
Thirteen at a table is unlucky only, when the hostess has only twelve chops.
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.
I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.
I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.
My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.
Given the choice between a woman and a cigar, I will always choose the cigar.
I'll teach you to kick me...' You don't need to teach me--I already know how!
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
I don't want to join the kind of a club that accepts people like me as members.
You've got a goal in life. I've got a goal. Now all we need is a football team.
Remember, the grass is always greener where you don't happen to be the neighbor.
I can see you in the kitchen bending over a hot stove, and I can't see the stove
I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
I think you've got something there, but I'll wait outside until you clean it up.
I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?
I'd like to meet the person who invented sex and see what they're working on now.
You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and that's not saying much for you
Gerald Ford was unknown throughout America. Now he's unknown throughout the world.
I would never join a country club with standards so low as to allow me as a member.
In any relationship, the woman has control, the clever ones don't let the men know.
Hey you! I told you to slow that nag down! Because of you, I almost heard the opera!
Here lies Groucho Marx and Lies and Lies and Lies P.S. He never kissed an ugly girl.
If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
Now that you're Secretary of War, what kind of an army do you think we ought to have?
Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put "Emily, I love you" on the back of the bill.
It is impossible to design anything that is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
My brother thinks he's a chicken-We don't talk him out of it because we need the eggs
You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I'm hot under the collar.
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.
I'm gonna put extra blankets, free, in all your rooms, and there'll be no cover charge.
The foods that are recommended today are as palatable as a steady diet of wet blotters.
If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much - just an occasional sun visor.