Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
Afraid? Me? A man who's licked his weight in wild caterpillars?
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa
No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit... Retire!
You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.
How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.
One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.
Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out.
Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.
No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.
I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
Every time someone turns on a TV, I go in the other room and read.
If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.
I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.
If we had some eggs we could have eggs and ham, if we had some ham.
I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago...I shot my broker.
I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed.
Before you speak, make certain you have something worthwhile to say.
Poverty makes people sub-human Excess of wealth makes people inhuman
I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.
My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking.
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water.
With a little study you'll go a long ways, and I wish you'd start now
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party.
I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip
I am a man and you are a woman. I can't think of a better arrangement.
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of bandages and adhesive tape.
I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.
You're heading for a breakdown. Why don't you pull yourself to pieces?
I came here for a party and what do I get? Nothing. Not even Ice cream.
The only game I like to play is "Old Maid", providing she's not too old
This would be a better place for children if parents had to eat spinach.
Hey, when I said work fast, I didn't mean your friend, I meant the maid.
Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!
I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down
How much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.