Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
"You're an old man who dresses like a Hooter's waitress."
Edible underwear?... even during sex, we can't stop eating.
How many of you text message? It's a great way of not communicating.
There hasn't been a more effeminate Jew in the closet since Anne Frank.
There are more whipped guys on television than there were on the Amistad.
If they [peple] really hate you, that means you're doing something right.
There are no black people in Iraq, so how will they know who to shoot at?
The reality is I'm not this person with this driving 'get it done' attitude.
Why do we need another station where everyone has a gun? We already have BET.
The reality is I'm not a 'get knocked down and come back harder' kind of guy.
Do you know how short you have to be to have a Napoleon complex in North Korea?
All the evidence we need that God is angry with us is Justin Timberlake's career.
If I drive my SUV I'm supporting terrorism. Okay, I'll take a taxi, Is that better?
My advice to graduates is to stay positive. Life is short, and you'll be dead soon.
I like when people give up chocolate for Lent. Ooh, just like being nailed to a cross.
In catholisism we have an entire religion based on a woman who really stuck to her story
Ice-T is so old that the first thing he bought with the money from his album sales was his freedom.
We're a spoiled, lazy culture, full of ethnic pride that has to have a parade for every nationality.
It's something like 70% of American adults are obese, and the rest of them are women on Ally McBeal.
The hardest part, for real, is probably when you just don't feel like going on stage and being funny.
The only reason we're not in Iran now is because we're going alphabetically and George Bush can't spell.
Americans are not gonna conserve. We're not gonna shift to smaller cars. We can't - we have big, fat kids.
If being a gangster were a prerequisite to being a musician, there'd be a lot less cello music, for example.
I've always had real trouble knowing what my actual desires and goals are. I've just been dragged along by fate.
We need more money for schools. We need more money for the kids. Ever think maybe the damn kids aren't worth it?
Joke stealing is a big deal to me, but I mean, I'm not going to investigate it if it doesn't effect me directly.
Look at the insane things the Jews believe. The Jews believe that Barbra Streisand is worth $1,000 bucks a ticket.
It's hard to distinguish when I was actually struggling from when I only felt like I was struggling - which was pretty much always.
If you're going to dedicate your career to ranting about the excesses of American capitalism, you probably shouldn't weigh 450 pounds.
Even before the kids are born, you've go to make these decisions. If it's a boy, do we get him circumcised? If it's a girl, do we keep her?
People come to this country from all over the world to pursue their dreams of driving a taxi or selling hot dogs or working in a sweatshop.
People always want to compare their dogs to having kids. That's insulting. First of all, nobody has a dog because they were too drunk to pull out.
If you spend five minutes with me or watch me try to balance my checkbook, you can only imagine the disaster I would make of anyone's legal issues.
When I masturbate I fantasize about having my own apartment. I used to think about Cindy Crawford now I think about leaving a dish in the sink overnight.
George Bush says that gay people getting married would violate the sanctity of marriage. Is anybody here married? Does it feel like a gift from God to you?
You got a cop under five feet tall, what if he's gotta plant evidence on a high shelf? What then? What if he's gotta chase a suspect onto a ride at Disneyland?
You're gonna check my computer records? Is that important? I don't think the government needs to know how I feel about teen Asian sluts in order to fight terrorism.
Norm MacDonald is here - one of the funniest people ever. Norm's got a giant gambling problem. He's dropped more coin in a casino than Michael J. Fox at a parking meter.
Seventy-two virgins - does that make sense to anyone? And it's an ancient religion, maybe it was misinterpreted? Maybe it's not 72 virgins, maybe it's a 7-foot-2 Persian.
Christine Todd Whitman had to resign as the head of the EPA. You know, when the governor of New Jersey decides the environment is hopeless, you gotta really think that one through.
It's all about self-esteem now. Build the kids' self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves. If everybody grows up with high self-esteem, who's gonna dance in our strip-clubs?
When I heard you could get a disease from playing with your prairie dog, I thought, 'Wow, what a euphemism.' I thought playing with my prairie dog was the best way to avoid diseases.
Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?
You try not to have a favorite when you have sons or kids. Can't have a favorite. Can't let them know know if you do. I don't. I treat my main son and the other two exactly the same way.
The internet's a creepy thing, especially if you have kids. It says something very creepy about the fact that I use the same machine to masturbate with as I use to teach my kid the alphabet.
A dangerous fire retardant chemical is being found in women's breast milk. My wife's breastfeeding, but you know, you gotta be an optimist. I'm like, well, maybe it's making my child fireproof.
Jesse has opened for me extensively on the road so I’ve seen him do hundreds of sets. He is always super funny, has tons of material and the crowds love him. Bottom line, Jesse Joyce is a great comedian.
Look at Thomas Jefferson. The guy had illegitimate kids in the 1700s, and they caught him last year. If you cheat on your wife and cover it up for 200 years, you're pretty much thinking you're home free.
Little did I know that earning a living at stand-up is the hardest thing you can do. But once I started doing it, I just loved it, and I realized that I was actually kinda good at it, and then that was it.
The things that make me laugh are considered smart or whatever, I guess. But stuff that's self-consciously intelligent or self-consciously hip or cool, that doesn't do it for me either. You just try to be funny.