Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Our family were very quick to laugh at each other.
If you want something badly enough, you go for it.
I'm really not comfortable talking about my personal life.
I can't remember the last time I can say I felt truly unwound.
I was scarred in 1977 by watching Jaws, and I've never got over it.
I am not a father, and the only children that I get close to are my nieces.
As soon as I get the chance, I'll be back spouting nonsense on the microphone.
Love at first sight is probably for stupid people, but maybe I'm just cynical.
I am often driven by necessity, rather than actually doing things like an adult.
'Taskmaster' taps into a universal humour of people making a fool of themselves.
I had a great time as a teacher, but I was just treading water, as a lot of us do.
The only difference between a comedian and someone else? We need to make people laugh more.
Being a teacher was great, but it wasn't what I wanted to do, so it was ultimately crushing.
I got to the stage where I physically couldn't carry on unless I gave comedy a go: it was necessity.
I'm 6ft 8in, so I feel like I've got full body thrombosis about five hours in if I'm flying in economy.
I think the main thing I'd bring to Chewbacca is middle-aged spread. Chewbacca has looked after himself.
I wasn't a happy teacher, but I also wasn't an absolute psychopath like the teachers I portray on screen.
I frequently meet ex-pupils who seem to think I didn't totally ruin their educations, so that's something.
I swam for the county when I was 12. You wouldn't think it to look at me now, but I'm as graceful as a seal.
It's a strange old thing, but I think an awful lot of 'Inbetweeners' fans still don't realise I'm a stand-up.
My greatest weakness is... food. If it looks like it's going to taste nice, it goes in my face - simple as that.
Every time I wrote a school scene, I thought of that drama studio, because that's where I was a bit lost at sea.
In standup, the feedback is instantaneous, and if it fails, you know you'll be off-stage and hiding in a short time.
Some friends think I'm dull now. But I think it's great that I'm no longer trying to make everyone laugh in the pub.
In my 20s and early 30s, I was very much a man lost at sea, with very little direction in life, and painfully immature.
Comedy brings out this rage in people: they get furious when they don't like something. I have some lovely hardcore fans.
As anyone who's done any acting will tell you, if you haven't got a malicious evil streak, it's such a joy to let one out.
My favourite place in Britain is... my home county of Shropshire. I think it's one of the most beautiful places in the world.
As a young ma,n I was an absolute idiot. I think my exes would say I was a likeable baby. I had a teenager's bedroom when I was 32.
I came into comedy to make people laugh. If the fact that I can't stop eating Hobnobs in any way helps, I'm happy to celebrate that.
When I've mentioned my screen wife is Helen Baxendale, so many people have burst out laughing. My self-esteem has been crushed by it.
I try and make myself or consenting people I am very close to the victims of my comedy. I don't enjoy bullying masquerading as comedy.
There is nothing bad about this job. Comedians have nothing to complain about. That doesn't mean I'm not constantly moaning and worrying.
I don't watch an awful lot of television. It's a very strange thing, and I don't know a lot of people who work in telly who watch a lot of it.
I have a terrible work ethic. The best way for me to do anything in life is for someone to say, 'You need to do this by this time, or you're in trouble'.
I am most certainly not rich. But I am a man who is intrinsically lazy. And I'm more than happy to put a piece of cheese on a rice cake and call that dinner.
Kids are great. They are endlessly fascinating and bizarre. But I also think that if I had left them on their own for long enough, one of them would have been eaten.
Don't say I was an inspirational teacher - my former pupils would laugh their heads off. I was grossly incompetent, but I hope I didn't do the children a disservice.
As far as characters are concerned, Alan Partridge makes me wet myself. I'm currently reading the book and have started talking like him as an unfortunate consequence.
My dad, who had spent his life as a lecturer, said, 'That's all very well, but you need to earn a living, so why don't you teach?' I did, and 13 years later, I woke up.
If you're funny and working in education, I think the perception is that you're either inspirational or awful. So which was I? I suppose that depends on who you talk to.
I've politely declined a few reality-type things but generally have been asked to do things that I'd enjoy. I'll be doing less in the new year so I can get some writing done.
I often run teaching down in my standup, but I had some great years, and it's a great job. It represented a place where I knew what I wanted to do but didn't have the courage.
The state of the world petrifies me as much as it does everyone else at the moment. Anyone who comes to my show expecting incisive political analysis will be deeply disappointed.
I would say the more significant factor of my starting late is that I developed a sufficiently thick skin to be able to - just about - handle the knocks that a fledgling comedian takes.
I've never disguised the fact that I wasn't happy in teaching. But the reason was that I wanted to do comedy. I would have been a very unhappy security guard or a very unhappy greengrocer.
The most expensive thing I've ever splashed out on is... a tailor-made suit. It cost £1,400, and it's the best money I ever spent. It's a miracle thing - I put it on, and I don't look overweight.
Anything my dad says about what I say about him, I can remind him of ten examples where he publicly humiliated me. We're really close. The culture of mickey-taking is well established in my family.
I have no desire to work my adrenal glands any harder than necessary. I like lazing around; it's pretty important to my well-being. But I also get bored, so that's when my culture-vulturing kicks in.
I don't know why comedians moan about touring; you get driven to a town, stay in a hotel, work for an hour and a half with nice people, and eat fatty service station food. There's nothing not to like.