Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
If we're friends with someone and attracted to them, we're going to want to take it further.
Lying, cheating, hiding is the exact opposite of the behavior of a man who's really into you.
I've never tried to pass myself off as anything more than a comedian who wrote a dating book.
My daughter genuinely asked me to hand her the basketball bat. I might be failing as a father.
The one cool thing with getting older is that you can actively choose to just be an eccentric.
It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that have to announce that I ate kale and liked it.
A man would rather be trampled by elephants on fire than tell you he's just not that into you.
Anyone who assesses you or your relationship as disposable is not worthy of your time or tears.
Because here’s what guys don’t do if they can’t live without you: They don’t break up with you.
If you date, you will meet your share of weirdos and jerks. That is as sure as death and taxes.
It`s the prettiest place on the planet. My childhood was like a dream. It`s like the last Mayberry.
The pain of being in a bad relationship is confusing. When it's over - it's over. No more confusion!
The day you realize you don't have to make sense to anyone is the day you start to make sense to you.
We have become a sloppy bunch of people. We say things we don’t mean. We make promises we don’t keep.
A good indication that it's not is if you're only staying with What's His Name because you're scared.
People don't admire you for what you hate, they admire you for what you do about it, and your slacks.
If a man is really into you, nothing will stop him from being with you - including a fear of intimacy.
But he was so great!' Yes, and the people who got on the Titanic thought they were going on a vacation
I saw Aerosmith, and I was like, 'Wow, you can dress like a girl and still get girls? Hand me a scarf!'
It's time to stop pretending I'm ok with things I'm not ok with like all insects and Foster the People.
Don't you want the guy who'll forget about all the other things in his life before he forgets about you?
He's just not that into you if he's not asking you out. Because if he likes you, trust me, he will ask you out.
Most comics worship music on some level. It's more rock-n-roll to get up there for an hour and make people laugh.
My buddy Tom... he'd been chasing a girl for two years, and he got her the old-fashioned way - dates and listening.
How many presidents, do you think, ever said to another guy: 'I can't believe we're doing this in the White House'?
Send her a quick note while you`re stuck in a long meeting. A lighthearted chat definitely makes the time go faster.
Being brokenhearted is like having broken ribs. On the outside it looks like nothing's wrong, but every breath hurts.
Cheaters are people who have a lot of stuff to work out, and they're working it out on your time and with your heart.
There's a guy out there who will want to tell everyone that he is your boyfriend. Quit goofing around and go find him.
As a guy I never liked being told to call, which my wife really never does, and that's why I call her as often as I do.
There's a guy out there who's going to be really happy that you didn't get back together with your crappy ex-boyfriend.
People say get a job doing something you love. So far no one has offered to hire me to eat Whoppers with a switchblade.
Most people don't want to leave their wife and children behind but many people seem to want to take leave of themselves.
There are three kinda men in the world. There's men that own rope, men that use eye creme, and that dude from Nickleback.
Don’t spend your time on and give your heart to any guy who makes you wonder about anything related to his feelings for you
Men like to chase and you have to let us chase you. I know. It's insulting. It's frustrating. It's unfortunately the truth.
Try not to be four years into a relationship when it suddenly dawns on you that the guy you're with is a big, selfish jerk.
The time it takes to feel better about a breakup is directly proportional to the time it takes to feel better about yourself.
For me, a breakup changed my entire life. I was a mess. I really got rocked, and I ended up turning it into a positive thing.
Drinking, eating, shopping, revenge, rebound sex, drugs or whatever your poison may be will number the pain - but that's all.
So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.
We were raised to pursue women... Most of the guys I know enjoy the pursuit. But that doesn't mean women should be wallflowers.
Part of being a comedian is that it's your job to look at life and regurgitate it in a funny way, to point out its absurdities.
This life is yours and no one else's, and if you spend your time looking at other people's pages, you'll never get anything done.
First of all, never buy a man a plasma TV until you're married. A lot of men once they have a plasma TV they don't need a girlfriend
Be yourself. If something you do doesn't work, don't do it the next time. Listen to yourself - you know what appropriate behavior is.
I always tell people it's funny that they think I'm a relationship expert because my two books are about getting out of relationships.
Don't idolize anyone if you can. You know, be inspired by people, certainly, but don't idolize people... Because they'll let you down.
...you are defined by how you live your life, not whom you live it with, and certainly not by what you gave up to be with that person.
I don't have to edit myself. I get to be me, warts and all, and that's ultimately what people want, and to trust each other implicitly.