Quotes by Gracie Allen - Page 1

Try to understand me. Nothing is impossible.
Gracie Allen / Comedienne
Impossible
Trying
Understand Me
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You've buttered your bread, now sleep in it.
Gracie Allen / Comedienne
Bread
Sleep
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Never place a period where God has placed a comma.
Gracie Allen / Comedienne
Funny
Humor
Motivation
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Some people are amazed at my brain, but really it's nothing.
Gracie Allen / Comedienne
Funny
Brain
People
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The President of today is just the postage stamp of tomorrow.
Gracie Allen / Comedienne
Justice
Postage
President
Today
Tomorrow
Stamp
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They laughed at Joan of Arc, but she went right ahead and built it.
Gracie Allen / Comedienne
Arcs
Built
Stupidity
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A platform is something a candidate stands for and the voters fall for.
Gracie Allen / Comedienne
Fall
Platforms
Voters
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When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
Gracie Allen / Comedienne
Parenting
Women
Born
Funny Birthday
Funny Happy Birthday
Funny Inspirational
Half
Talk
Year
Surprised
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My husband will never chase another woman. He's too fine, too decent, too old.
Gracie Allen / Comedienne
Life
Women
Husband
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I'm the candidate who forgot to take off her hat before she threw it in the ring.
Gracie Allen / Comedienne
Candidates
Hats
Rings
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Every politician must be able to keep both feet on the fence with his ear to the ground.
Gracie Allen / Comedienne
Able
Ears
Feet
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This used to be a government of checks and balances. Now it's all checks and no balances.
Gracie Allen / Comedienne
Government
Balance
Checks
Used
Balances
Checks And Balances
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When my mother had to get dinner for 8 she'd just make enough for 16 and only serve half.
Gracie Allen / Comedienne
Inspiring
Food
Mom
Mother's Day
Dinner
Half
Mothers Day
Serve
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You kissed me like that when I was a blushing bride ...? I wonder what I was blushing about?
Gracie Allen / Comedienne
Blushing
Funny Marriage
Wonder
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The Senate is the only show in the world where the cash customers have to sit in the balcony.
Gracie Allen / Comedienne
Balconies
Cash
World
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I often put boiling water in the freezer. Then whenever I need boiling water,I simply defrost it.
Gracie Allen / Comedienne
Freezer
Needs
Water
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I don't see what difference it makes what side it's [your bread] buttered on. I always eat both sides.
Gracie Allen / Comedienne
Bread
Differences
Sides
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This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn't say how far to separate them.
Gracie Allen / Comedienne
Food
Eggs
Silly
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My mind works so fast. When I think of something I say it. Lots of times I say it even before I think of it.
Gracie Allen / Comedienne
Mind
Talking
Thinking
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Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.
Gracie Allen / Comedienne
Funny
Family
Intelligence
Teacher
Class
Five
School
Senior
Smart
Runs
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Cultivate friendships. If you don't have time to cultivate all of them, plow under every fifth one and collect your bonus.
Gracie Allen / Comedienne
Bonus
Fifth
Ifs
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A friend asked her doctor if a woman should have children after thirty-five. I said, "Thirty-five children is enough for any woman.
Gracie Allen / Comedienne
Children
Doctors
Pregnancy
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The on-stage Gracie may look poised, but the real Gracie is shy, a little self-conscious, and, before every performance of my life, panicky.
Gracie Allen / Comedienne
Self Conscious
Shy
Life Look My Life
Performance
Poised
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Every man is born with the ability to do something well. This is what the Lord intended him to do. Using that ability - what life is all about.
Gracie Allen / Comedienne
Life
Men
Lord
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As a well-known great man would have said if he had thought of it, "Don't go around offending people just because it can be done sitting down."
Gracie Allen / Comedienne
Men
Offending
People
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I left my car parked at the top of Lombard Street Hill, and I forgot to put the breaks on. It's the funniest thing. The car is running down the hill.
Gracie Allen / Comedienne
Running
Car
Hills
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We favor putting Congress on a commission basis. Pay them for results. If they do a good job and the country prospers, they get 10% of the extra take.
Gracie Allen / Comedienne
Jobs
Country
Favors
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I think there's so much good in the worst of us, and so many of the worst of us get the best of us, that the rest of us aren't even worth talking about.
Gracie Allen / Comedienne
Talking
Thinking
Worst
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Education is worth a whole lot. Just think - with enough education and brains the average man would make a good lawyer - and so would the average lawyer.
Gracie Allen / Comedienne
Men
Average
Thinking
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It's a game everybody plays. If you see a man with a beard and holler "Beaver!" it's five points. And if you see a man with a moustache, it's onlI three points.
Gracie Allen / Comedienne
Men
Games
Play
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Classic Recipe for Roast Beef: 1 large Roast of beef 1 small Roast of beef Take the two roasts and put them in the oven. When the little one burns, the big one is done.
Gracie Allen / Comedienne
Food
Cooking
Two
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It's foolish to bet on a horse without talking to him first. I know it seems silly to ask a horse who's going to win a race - but it's no sillier than asking anyone else.
Gracie Allen / Comedienne
Horse
Silly
Winning
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I read a book twice as fast as anybody else. First, I read the beginning, and then I read the ending, and then I start in the middle and read toward whatever end I like best.
Gracie Allen / Comedienne
Funny
Inspirational
Book
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Brains, integrity, and force may be all very well, but what you need today is Charm. Go ahead and work on your economic programs if you want to, I'll develop my radio personality.
Gracie Allen / Comedienne
Work
Brain
Charm
Integrity
Personality
Radio
Ahead
Brains
Develop
Programs
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A young boy shouldn't be given up for hopeless just because he's lazy, surly, and good for nothing. Don't be discouraged by those things - maybe he's just trying to be like his daddy.
Gracie Allen / Comedienne
Funny
Boys
Daddy
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Gracie: "Don't give up, Blanche. Women don't do that. Look at Betsy Ross, Martha Washington-they didn't give up. Look at Nina Jones." Blanche Morton: "Nina Jones?" Gracie: "I've never heard of her either, because she gave up."
Gracie Allen / Comedienne
Determination
Don't Give Up
Giving Up
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All the other candidates are making speeches about how much they have done for their country, which is ridiculous. I haven't done anything yet, and I think it's just common sense to send me to Washington and make me do my share.
Gracie Allen / Comedienne
Common Sense
Country
Thinking
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I'm having my platform run up by a movie set designer, so it will be very impressive from the front, but not too premanent. After all, there's no sense putting a lot of time and thought into something you'll have no use for after you're elected.
Gracie Allen / Comedienne
Running
Designer
Use
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Let's all pull together and make these United States the grandest place in this whole country. I see a vision. A glorious vision. A united people, marching forward shoulder to shoulder, giving their all for the common good, working while I whistle.
Gracie Allen / Comedienne
Country
Giving
People
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I really don't act. I just live what George and I are doing. It has to make some sort of sense to me, or it won't ring true. No matter what the script says, there's no audience and no footlights and no camera for me. There's no make-believe. It's for real.
Gracie Allen / Comedienne
Make Believe
Ring
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I fully realize that every promise I make, the Republicans will double and the Democrats will redouble. They think this will make me vulnerable, but they don't know I have some tricks up my sleeve, along with a box of raisins to munch on while I'm waiting for the returns to come in.
Gracie Allen / Comedienne
Promise
Thinking
Waiting
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When you learn to make everybody happy, you will possess the golden secret of how to milk the contented voters. But do it in such a way that they won't think you want them to vote for you just because you need the money. They need the money, and besides, they can think up other reasons if they try.
Gracie Allen / Comedienne
Secret
Thinking
Trying
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Today millions of people are living who will never do it again. Millions are being born for the first time - and millions are doing nothing because it's the best offer they've had this week. It is for these people and many others that the Surprise Party is conceived and desecrated, founded upon the principle that everybody is just as good as anybody else, even though they aren't quite so smart.
Gracie Allen / Comedienne
Party
People
Smart
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This country needs room to grow and expand. In all my own newspapers I read frightful tales of the shameful atrocities being perpetrated on our Democratic minorities in Maine and Vermont. My patience is almost at an end, and if provoked much further I will place both countries under American protection, even if I have to send in my tourists to start trouble so I'll have to send in a force to restore order.
Gracie Allen / Comedienne
Country
Maine
Order
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Gracie Allen Quotes - Page 1

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