Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
We're Mexican not Mexican't!
We're Mexi-cans not Mexi-can'ts.
I can never do nothing in this house!
Laughter survives... it has to survive.
I got a pain in my chest, and I can't breathe
if you make waffles, throw out the first one.
Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them.
This is L.A. You wanna learn Spanish? Take the bus.
I've gotten in trouble with every race you can imagine.
No particular race is the enemy. Ignorance is the enemy.
I never realized I could love people as much as I do now.
A Dodger uniform just doesn't look good with a cummerbund.
When things are bad, it's the best time to reinvent yourself.
One time, I was so hungry, I ate the beans in a bean bag chair.
Memories, priceless. Well not really priceless, but there you go!
Max: What's a period? George: It's a bullet we dodge, go get ready.
I'd shake his hand, but I think that's what's holding up his pants.
Life is great and golf has been one of the great parts of it for me.
As long as you're a tax deduction, you'll always be safe in my house.
An animal has to suffer for us old-school Latinos to get what we want.
Sometimes when you win, you think you're going to get everything to go your way.
Shows should just be able to be shows without hyphenating their lead characters.
We need to get better at voting and be a voice for the people who do not have one.
I look at movies, unfortunately, and I still see a lot of movies [lacking diversity].
Sarah Palin is Latina. Pay-leen. She has an infant and a grandkid the same age. Latina!
I didn't want to be nobody, and that was the only way I could be somebody was to do stand-up.
When you go to cable, there are no stations and no affiliates and they allow you to do your show
When you go to cable, there are no stations and no affiliates and they allow you to do your show.
In life, there's a ying and a yang and a balance. And when you don't have balance, you have comedy.
80% of the women who were asked if they fake orgasms said yes. Actually, they said Yes! Oh God, Yes!
Y'know, if those pews reclined, and the priests gave the Raiders scores I'd go to church every Sunday.
I'm a big fan of reality shows. I thought the first one, Dukes of Hazzard, captured white people perfectly.
Obama is the closest thing to a Latino that we have. Barack. Everybody wants to see his birth certificate too.
When I look at the Gospel, I see how it is speaking to me at this time. I see how to be to others and it helps.
When we got married, we agreed on a boy for me, and a girl for you. Mine's upstairs sleeping. Good luck with yours!
Barack Obama may be black, but John McCain is the first Albino presidential candidate: he's completely see-through!
At the factory, I deal with ex-cons, substance abusers, and sexual harassers. And I'm not just talking about my mom.
I prefer my Mexican food to have a little bit of an animal that suffered a little bit. That's some of the best food.
Presents? We already bought you a lot of things. Member when we were at the market and I bought you gum? You'member.
I spend a lot of time alone and my wife understands that I need to be alone. I enjoy being alone. But I'm never lonely.
David Letterman is the best late-night talk show host right now, hands down, and has been since he first took the desk.
I believe that there are certain things that could be taken care of that you don't need a strong political background in.
I'd love to have Michael Jackson [in my show] because he's black and white. So he would appeal to a universal demographic.
It's a great day in America when white people, black people and Latinos can all come together and pick on another minority.
Tied one on last night. Not feeling great this morning. I was trying to sleep it off, unfortunately, it was on the casino floor.
Freddie Prinze was my idol, and he died, and there is not much of his stuff to look at. But now, your comedy can live on forever.
I've spent days in cinemas answering questions from the audience, in interviews, travelling abroad, and all they do is thank me nicely.
Angie, I've seen my mom wrestle two cops to the ground with a taser dart in her neck, and you cry when your shoes pinch. Good luck, Bambi!
From now on, we're home schooling you. Whatever we don't know, you don't know. When did the Korean War start? I don't know, and neither do you!
I grew up not having a father. Golf is the father I never had. It taught me honesty and respect and discipline and it taught me to control my temperament.