The golden rule is that there are no golden rules.

The ideal love affair should be conducted by post.

All progress depends upon the unreasonable person.

A learned man is an idler who kills time by study.

The quality of a play is the quality of its ideas.

Female murderers get sheaves of offers of marriage.

I wish people would stop talking about my birthday.

Every profession is a conspiracy against the laity.

Grain by grain, a loaf. Stone upon stone, a palace.

Happy is the man who can make a living by his hobby

Our necessities are few, but our wants are endless.

All professions are conspiracies against the laity.

Home is the girl's prison and the woman's workhouse.

The truth is the one thing that nobody will believe.

The person I miss most is the one I could have been.

A drama critic is a man who leaves no turn unstoned.

Get married, but never to a man who is home all day.

I am a Christian. That obliges me to be a Communist.

Telling the truth is the funniest joke in the world.

The devil can quote Shakespeare for his own purpose.

He who bears the brand of Cain shall rule the earth.

The churches must learn humility as well as teach it.

When we know what God is, we shall be gods ourselves.

Anarchism is a game at which the police can beat you.

Hatred is the coward's revenge for being intimidated.

A soldier is an anachronism of which we must get rid.

What is virtue but the Trade Unionism of the married?

Hypocrisy ... is only bad when it is improperly used.

Animals are my friends... and I don't eat my friends.

Use your health, even to the point of wearing it out.

The worst cliques are those which consist of one man.

A man of my spiritual intensity does not eat corpses.

It's easier to replace a dead man than a good picture.

The best way to get your point across is to entertain.

Marriage is the most licentious of human institutions.

We must reform society before we can reform ourselves.

The art of government is the organisation of idolatry.

Have you no morals, man?' 'Can't afford them,Governor.

God help England if she had no Scots to think for her.

It is the end of happiness and the beginning of peace.

Justice is impartiality. Only strangers are impartial.

The only secrets are the secrets that keep themselves.

A miracle, my friend, is an event which creates faith.

The heart of an Irishman is nothing but his imagination

To be in hell is to drift; to be in heaven is to steer.

Where equality is undisputed, so also is subordination.

I no longer desire happiness: life is nobler than that.

I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation.

Patriotism is a pernicious, psychopathic form of idiocy.

Reminiscences make one feel so deliciously aged and sad.

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