Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I practice safe sex - I use an airbag.
I have such poor vision I can date anybody.
I'm not a party guy. I don't carouse very much.
I've always felt that the truth is in the silence.
I like going into nature and that's where I'm happiest.
I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.
My first appearance as a guest on The Tonight Show was in '81.
I am interested in how human beings react to crisis and conflict.
I don't know how to ground myself without the other actor present.
Without comedy as a defense mechanism I wouldn't be able to survive.
I'm dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over.
I think I look great in green, and I'm going to start wearing more green.
My dog watches me on TV. So, if I may take this opportunity, "No! No! No!"
Dr. Phil is hiding something. Otherwise, why wouldn't he use his last name?
Men who betray women also betray other men. Women shouldn't feel so special.
My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me.
I am pretty tenacious as a perfectionist in terms of getting something right.
Everyone at a party is uncomfortable. Knowing that makes me more comfortable.
In the year 2525, that song will be even less popular than when it first came out.
It's not the hair on your head that matters. It's the kind of hair you have inside.
I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know.
There's a good chance that if you're talking to me when I'm snoring, it means I'm bored.
They should put expiration dates on clothing so we men will know when they go out of style.
I'm very loyal in relationships. Even when I go out with my mom I don't look at other moms.
First of all, I'm not the kind of guy that likes to rehash the show and so forth and so on.
Nice guys finish first. If you don't know that, then you don't know where the finish line is.
I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead.
I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell
Was the Buddha married? His wife would say, "Are you just going to sit around like that all day?"
Carol Burnett was particularly funny. She swore for the first time on television on Larry Sanders.
I had no idea who I was when I started. I was frightened to death and had no natural performing skills.
When I'm not in a relationship, I shave one leg. That way, when I sleep, it feels like I'm with a woman.
I enjoy 'The Apprentice' and the one that's called 'Take My Life' and the other one called 'Stop Hitting Me.'
I play basketball on Sundays and I'm a very spiritual guy; I read a lot of Eastern philosophy and I meditate.
Oysters are supposed to enhance your sexual performance, but they don't work for me. Maybe I put them on too soon.
I've been on a state of high alert since high school. I didn't need 9/11 to remind me that we live on a ball of flame.
I feel that everything I do in my life I can do in a shorter time than most men can. It's the quality, not the quantity.
After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody."
Yes, I'm a nice man and I enjoy babies. I'm a sensitive guy. I held a baby the other day and it was the first time either of us cried.
Dogs are not people. Be leery of any woman who refers to her dogs as her 'kids,' because you'll only end up paying for their schooling.
I'm good in bed, actually, and I think I could learn to be a good communicator, too. The only trouble with that is it leads to marriage.
I keep my scrapbooks in the car. When I come to a stoplight, I start looking through my past. Sometimes I wish the red lights were longer.
I like to talk on the cell when I do interviews. That way, I double my chances of getting brain cancer: from the cell phone, and from the questions.
The comic strip is what I looked at, and it's another reason I did it. The comic strip, where animals would comment on human behaviour, interested me.
It takes me so long to get tired of a man. It's women that are the problem. Don't get me wrong. I think men have their problems just as much as women.
Women need to know that not all guys are going to hurt them the way that the guy did before they started dating me. I know guys I wouldn't go out with.
When I give notes on a script, I say, 'Guys, I may drift, but it's part of the process.' So I'm aware that I'm drifting, but I'm grabbing a lot of stuff.
I think it's one of the main negative emotional ingredients that fuels show business, because there's so much at stake and the fear of failure looms large.
The only way I would go back to hosting would be if it were something entirely new. It would prevent me from wanting to host a standard-fare kind of talk show.
I watch the news, which is its own reality show. I love 'Curb Your Enthusiasm.' I love it because it's funny and because I realize that I'm happier than Larry David.