Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
The mass of men lead lives of shallow happiness; the superior man exults in his gloom.
When in doubt, look intelligent.
Being rich and thin isn't everything.
A child can educate just about anybody.
In the end, all solutions are temporary.
Men peak at age nineteen and go downhill.
Give guilt - the gift that lasts forever.
Be well, do good work, and keep in touch.
In Lake Wobegon, we don't forget mistakes.
I want to resume the life of a shy person.
I've seen the truth, and it makes no sense.
Nothing you do for children is ever wasted.
I don't want them to be told to remember me.
A book is a gift you can open again and again.
Childhood is the small town everyone came from.
A cruise ship is a floating town of lazy people.
Winter: It's not just a season, it's who we are.
I loved feeling special. I hated feeling special.
To Norwegians, the polka is a form of martial art.
Every show is your last show. That's my philosophy.
Give up your good 'Christian' life and follow Jesus
Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it!
God plays a lot of jokes on us to get our attention.
Sing your song; don't let the bastards get you down.
Bad things don't happen to writers; it's all material.
All solutions are temporary, so why not go for duct tape?
In romance, as in life, you only learn when you're losing.
Sometimes you have to look reality in the eye, and deny it.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
It's a shallow life that doesn't give a person a few scars.
Vodka is tasteless going down, but it is memorable coming up.
Don't worry about the past and don't try to solve the future.
Not everyone has a Life's Work. Some people simply have a Life.
Marriage, friends, is a lifelong feast; love is no light lunch.
It's better to be burnished with use than rusty with principle.
When you come to expect humor of people, you will never get it.
You get old and you realize there are no answers, just stories.
I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.
No innocent man buys a gun, and no happy man writes his memoirs.
Being an English major prepares you for impersonating authority.
I write on a laptop, so it's impossible to count drafts anymore.
It is a sin to believe evil of others but it is seldom a mistake.
Eating a little was like vomiting a little, just as bad as a lot.
People in cars cause accidents and accidents in cars cause people.
God is a great humorist. He just has a slow audience to work with.
I felt bad for that world that we have given a generation of kids.
I usually don't work with other people; I do the whole show myself.
This is the big reason most humorists fail. Drunks don't read books.
You're such a big liar you gotta get your neighbor to call your dog.
I hear a little firecracker go off when you come up with a good rhyme.
