Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I'm not fat. I'm fluffy!
I was not the popular kid in school.
You live by the cake, you die by the cake.
I know enough football to know that's funny!
I drink diet coke so I can eat regular cake.
People can relate to someone who isn't perfect.
Drinking can bring out a dude that has some issues.
Life is measured by how you lived it, not by the years.
Comedy is my passion. I'm going to do this until I drop.
You pigeon hole yourself by the title you give yourself.
There are certain bits in my act that will never change.
We can choose our family. We can't choose our relatives.
Hanging out with comics, all they did was make fun of me.
Me racist? The only race I hate is the one you have to run.
I'm not fat. It's just my awesomeness swelling up inside of me.
You can't be bad ass in a car that kills gas like I kill tacos.
Kids, man, they're way too honest. They're like mini-alcoholics.
I got off the plane - I was walking and cooking at the same time.
If you put your personal stories out there people always connect.
When you're a comedian, the Holy Grail is an hour long HBO special.
I had to travel half way across the world to be called an American.
For me, the hardest thing was dropping the whole Latino comic title.
The girl voice is always going to kill because they don't expect it.
You know what I learned about Hawaiians? They're just blown up Mexicans!
I don't wanna just be remembered for the funniest guy in my neighborhood.
Anyone who's seen my specials knows I don't put out the same stuff twice.
I have very nice cars. I never get to drive them, because I'm never home.
If you aim to be big, you will be big. And that's not a pun about my size.
Why do people measure life by the years instead of how good the years were?
I don't want to die tomorrow knowing I could've had a piece of cake tonight.
You gotta hang out with people who have big dreams and believe in that dream.
You wonder why I only talk about my personal life. But that's all I've ever done.
Aside from producing I want to direct but I'm also going to get back out on the road.
When you go to Hawaii, it's all about "Aloha." It means hello, goodbye and I love you.
People think if you have money, it'll fix the problems, but it creates different ones.
When I go to dance clubs, I always dance with big girls, so we finish at the same time.
Anything is possible as long as you're focused, determined and you really want to do it.
I'll walk up to a woman, I'll say the first thing that comes to mind: 'Hey, you hungry?'
The only way I will do a sitcom is if it's hurled at me, and I don't have to work for it.
With all the classes they offer at school, how come they don't have one for common sense?
When I first got to St. Louis, I saw the arch and I said, 'I want to go to that McDonalds.
If I'm drinking I can either be the nicest guy ever or I'm the guy you should leave alone.
As far as guys who perform onstage, I love Chris Rock. I'm kind of jaded on everyone else.
I wanted to be a comedian, and this is what I'm doing. If I can keep this going, I'm happy.
My favorite people to have fun with are police officers 'cause they're so serious, you know.
I see a Latino comic as someone who can only perform for Latino audiences. I cross the board.
If you Google the word "fluffy," I'm the first thing that pops up. It's me, dogs and rabbits.
I'm not selling out, denying who I am or where I've come from, not at all. I acknowledge that.
Early on when I started talking about my weight, it was self-deprecating; everything was a joke.
I want to get so famous that I don't have to wake up in the morning. It'll probably never happen.