Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
The owners of a dog which swallowed a diamond worth £12000 had to wait three days until it re-emerged. With a bit of planning it could have been a nice way to propose.
I went through a brief phase years ago of getting Men's Health then I realised there are actually only three ways to do a sit-up and they're just repackaging it endlessly.
Perhaps we've got so involved in the false selves we project on social media that we've forgotten that our real selves, our private selves, are different, are worth saving.
Having our privacy exposed is particularly crushing for the British - a nation for whom the phrase: 'How are you?' really means: 'Please say one word, then leave me alone.'
RyanAir have been getting a hard time because they've launched a £7 flight to New York. Although as always with RyanAir it does land slightly outside of New York. In Dublin.
On channels terrified of accusations of bias, or political retribution, comics making jokes about the growing power base of far-right politicians aren't taking the 'easy' route.
You can actually make your own Trump policies by going through the incinerator at the Daily Mail and picking through the dust for anything they thought might get them prosecuted.
Apparently they're going to bring in 'Super Asbos'. But 'Asbos' already sound too cool. Teenagers see them as a badge of honour. They should call them 'Gaybos' or 'Bender Badges'.
Not only will America go to your country and kill all your people. But they'll come back 20 years later and make a movie about how killing your people made their soldiers feel sad.
I can make a joke pointing out that David Cameron told off Sri Lanka for human rights abuses committed with weapons Britain sold it - like Ronald McDonald calling you a fat bastard.
The Conservative party now exists largely to misinform the public, to convince voters struggling through austerity that they have the same interests as billionaires and corporations.
Your ruling class don't care about what happens to you. What seems like some enormous upset in your community is undetectable from a helicopter or a speeding motorcade. They are pitiless.
I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the world. There were seven O-Levels in that room, and they were all mine.
There's been a thread of coverage implying that Corbyn is a decent guy but he clearly doesn't understand how the world works. Ignoring the fact that for the majority of people, it doesn't.
The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.
For anyone who has ever asked why the U.S. needs to address the issue of reparations for its history of slavery, Donald Trump is why. He is the living embodiment of America's unresolved issues.
Let's not forget that the essential message of a Republican candidate is a tricky sell. That you love America, but hate all the groups that make up America. That you love democracy, but hate people.
Somehow, I always imagine that Trump spends the evenings with his forehead pressed against the cold glass of an aquarium, talking telepathically to the tormented albino squid in which he has hidden his soul.
I would have loved to have had a gay dad. At school, there were always kids saying 'my dad is bigger than your dad, my dad will batter your dad!' So what? My dad will shag your dad..and your dad will enjoy it.
The truth is that modern governments sit at the head of a well-funded security apparatus. They are told that foreign military adventures put domestic populations at risk and they give them the thumbs up anyway.
People think that the Middle East is very complex but I have an analogy that sums it up quite well. If you imagine that Palestine is a big cake, well... that cake is being punched to pieces by a very angry Jew.
The Conservatives have never been a party burdened by needless sentimentality; some MPs only keep their children's photos in their wallet to make sure that at the end of term they don't bring the wrong one home.
Admittedly, the Conservatives are generally more persuasive orators than their Labour counterparts, perhaps a skill developed by spending school holidays trying to lure father out from behind his Daily Telegraph.
If you're an activist trying to do something important, I salute you. Most of us just give ourselves ethical brownie points for watching Channel 2 instead of Channel 3, like characters in a broad dystopian satire.
I don't believe I'm a recovering alcoholic - I'm someone who used to drink. AA comes from a religious movement and that whole thing of 'I'm always burdened with this' and the original sin idea. It's not like that for me.
On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside.
If you feel more emotion looking at a picture of queuing lorries than a picture of desperate humans living in a lay-by, you need to check your bedtime routine for someone beating you round the head with a meat tenderiser.
Of course, it's absurd that we trust the Tories with our day-to-day reality, as so many of them don't really inhabit it. Why elect people to run our schools and hospitals who choose not to go to those schools and hospitals?
A lot of racism comes from projection. White Americans have a stereotype of black people being criminals purely because they can't acknowledge that it was actually white people that stole them from Africa in the first place.
There is no doubt I have offended many people. No doubt, also, that I have blasphemed. I sometimes try to offend as part of my routine - after all, the essence of humour, even in a child, is the effort to shock and surprise.
I loved the idea of Bowie as an artist, with his Burroughsian cut-up technique, creating these undecipherable, abstract songs, where we all projected our own meanings onto his jarring word choices and unexpected chord changes.
The Labour party has, from the beginning, been made up of diverse factions; that's its beauty - asking it to become cohesive is like trying to find one shampoo that will care for the hair of everybody in Angelina Jolie's house.
It seems amazing that the Navy SEALs managed to get inside the compound and shoot Osama so efficiently. I can only imagine they were told that the mission was to rescue a bearded British hostage and he must be brought out alive.
We live in a country where posting 'Let's riot or something bruv!' on Facebook will get you a couple of years in prison, while writing a column saying we should bomb Syria is practically an entrance exam for public intellectuals.
They've bought out a condom now for people with premature ejaculation and they've put an anesthetic in the lining that makes you numb and you can last for longer. Or, you can wear it inside out and you don't have to wake anybody up!
The government are considering spending £3million on a state funeral for Margaret Thatcher when she dies. For £3million they could buy everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we'll dig a hole deep enough to deliver her to Satan ourselves.
People feel much more comfortable with the 'Fifty Shades of Grey' version of women's liberation: possibly feeling life would be much simpler if the suffragettes hadn't wanted the vote and just really enjoyed chaining themselves to railings.
The Tories have been offering us a cocktail of incompetence and malice and Labour haven't done anything to draw attention to it. It's been like watching Mesut Ozil drop perfect crosses on to the head of an increasingly frustrated Stephen Hawking.
A 66-YEAR-OLD woman has become the oldest new mum in Britain after giving birth to a baby boy. I'm amazed she needed to have a caesarean section though, you'd think at 66 she would have needed some masking tape down there just to stop it falling out.
Scientists have just built the world's biggest supercollider, and they're doing experiments to see what makes up protons. I hope that if the experiment's successful, the whole of our reality will dissolve, and a big sign will up come that says: Level Two.
Of course, it's hard to get interested in the whole idea of government. Nothing ever changes, especially people saying 'nothing ever changes,' despite the fact their kid now has a free nursery place and their aunt was forced to work despite having dementia.
In my early 20s, there was a period when all I owned was about a dozen CDs and a crappy Discman. I'd listen to 'The Man Who Sold The World' album endlessly as I sat on off-peak trains jerking around the Sussex countryside to and from the asylum I worked in.
What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked, instead of this multiple choice system? If anything goes wrong, you'll be sitting there while the whole toilet wall slowly slides away, unveiling you like a prize on a quiz show. For 500 points, a shitting woman!
I doubt anyone has ever accused comedians of solidarity before. It's hard to think of a less collegiate world than that of unabashed professional narcissists competing for attention; even when we reluctantly band together on panel shows, we're only trying to sell solo tours.
Doug Stanhope is great - I saw his 'Burning the Bridge to Nowhere' show and it was inspiring. He's like an anti-shaman, taking the sting out of a bunch of things we've chosen to give a symbolic power to. I've made it sound noble and worthy there, it's not, it's really funny.
Trump divides his time between working some kind of 'King Ralph' angle, and claiming that he's going to make the U.S. great again by using his business experience. We can only assume that means repeatedly declaring it bankrupt, then changing its name so he can just shake off all the debt.
Only the British could experience great pain at the thought of a traffic jam - a place where you can sit alone with your radio on without being expected to do any work. Aren't traffic jams unbearable? By the time you get home, you need to sit alone in a comfy chair with your favourite music on just to calm down.
I've said jokes where I thought people might get up and hit me for this. A couple of people have thought about it. But they didn't. It gives you a lot of power, because if you're on shows where people are worried about getting sacked and you're not, then you're transcendent because you say what other people would like to say.
I feel sorry for Obama because he's still got to fight the innate racism of Americans. I mean, did you see his first speech, when he got made President and they put all that bullet proof glass in front of him? I think that shows you how racist America still is. Just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot anybody.
We fear the arrival of immigrants that we have drawn here with the wealth we stole from them. For much of the rest of the world we must be the focus of bitter amusement, characters in a satire we don't understand. It is British people that don't learn languages, or British history. Britain is the true scrounger, the true criminal.