Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
There are a lot of problems with democracy. We need to think about how to find the people most qualified for the job.
Remember, taboos are just a map of what a society feels it's acceptable to be neurotic about. Taboos aren't rational.
That should be the anti-speeding advert. It should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.
Political correctness has changed everything. People forget that political correctness used to be called spastic gay talk.
It's always easier to dismiss other people than to go through the awkward and time consuming process of understanding them.
That's what I do in my stand-up. I work hard and hone the material and after a while audiences expect what I do to be good.
Don't you think its quite weird for Prince Harry, getting really stoned and seeing your grans face appearing on your money.
When I heard Cristiano Ronaldo was pictured holding a manbag, I was surprised it was a gucci bag and not another guy's sack.
In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
They say that the older you get, the more conservative you become: perhaps that's the reason there are no Tories in Scotland.
Isis want to destroy the knowledge that Islam is a beautiful, scientific and intelligent culture, and we are way ahead of them.
I have no real enemies in comedy, but there are a couple of people who I'd laugh about if I heard that their legs had fallen off.
Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!
I absolutely loathe adverts. I won't go into the cinema until 20 minutes after the film is due to start because there are so many.
In a lot of farther-flung places in Scotland people are guarded at first, but as soon as they get to know you they really hate you.
The SNP are far from radical, but they do have a knack for producing the odd simple, progressive policy that's hard to argue against.
Victoria Beckham looks like she has a dump once every four years. That's probably how David knows that there's a World Cup coming up.
If Harry Potter's so magical, why cant he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldnt need a broomstick to cling onto.
Comedy is a terrible way to meet women. It's certainly a way to start talking to them, but they always have preconceptions about you.
For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.
Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.
Ed Miliband's anti-immigration stance is odd: it's hard to vote for a man who doesn't have the confidence to defend his own existence.
I can't help thinking the failed New York bomber would've done far more damage if he'd simply driven throught Times Square in a Toyota.
The average life expectancy rate in some parts of Glasgow is 54. If you've ever been there, you'll realize that that's maybe a bit long.
I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think...is there nothing on the internet that I won't masturbate to?
I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome?
Jordan ran the London marathon to help raise money for the blind. After jogging that far with her body, I'm surprised she hasn't joined them!
They're always going, don't deal with terrorists. Let's deal with them. What's Allah offering you boys, 100 virgins? We'll give you 50 slags.
I'm not Russell Brand or Ricky Gervais, but I have enough money that I don't have to work. Most people who've done what I do don't have that.
America has gone from the Obama Years to the Trump Years, like going from the 'West Wing' to a sitcom where the incidental music involves a tuba.
The average British person would hear me doing my joke about Rebecca Adlington and realise there's no malice in it. It was an off-the-cuff ad lib.
I did a ski festival in Austria once. I was struck by how friendly Austrians were, before gradually realising it's more that Glaswegians are awful.
I think we live in a country that sometimes forgets how effective the rule of law is, perhaps because our governments have often found it inconvenient.
My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spastic.
If we can look at another human being and categorise them as 'illegal,' or that chilling American word 'alien,' then what has become of our own humanity?
Does anyone actually think that Beckham knows he's in America? I think he just follows a football and all he notices is that it occasionally gets warmer.
The Internet shows me how limited my interests are - there's everything out there and I'm still looking at what the weather's going to be like in Scotland.
If I ever get to meet Vladimir Putin, I will probably take my top off and challenge him to an erotically charged wrestling match, which I will let him win.
I guess we were kinda poor when we were kids, but we didn't know it. That's because my dad always refused to let us look at the family's financial records.
In times of crisis, we are made to feel we should scrutinise our government's actions less closely, when surely that's when we should pay closest attention.
I think we live in a quite an immoral society with quite an amoral government and they're going to have to grow up in that and negotiate their own way in it.
I think you have a lot of rich and Conservative people who control our country who are racist and their views trickle down through things like tabloid papers.
Our attitudes are fostered by a society built on ideas of dominance, where the solution to crises are force and action, rather than reflection and compromise.
I think the most important things my book does is to give readers the address of George Monbiot's website and how to get hold of comic books by Grant Morrison.
British people have a really sophisticated sense of humour, because we're exposed to much more than Europeans and Americans, not least in our literary heritage.
Corbyn sounds like a dreadful town, dresses like a catalogue model for the Sue Ryder shop and won't look significantly different when he's been dead for a week.
It's good they're holding the Olympics in the East End of London. Means the athletes will have to use extra skill to work out which gunshot is the starting pistol.
I like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we're taking part in the conception of the Antichrist.
Trump's one liberal policy seems to be his desire to pump more funding into mental health - which I've taken the liberty of interpreting as a massive cry for help.
The thing that nobody really said about Rebecca Adlington is that she looks pretty weird. She looks like someone who's looking at themselves in the back of a spoon.