Quotes by Felipe Esparza - Page 1

Wrestling is only gay when you make eye contact.
Felipe Esparza / Comedian
Eye
Gay
Wrestling
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Cougar jokes are now as hackneyed as airplane food.
Felipe Esparza / Comedian
Airplane
Cougars
Jokes
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If you have a fat brother or sister you might be American.
Felipe Esparza / Comedian
Brother
Fats
Might
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A real woman needs quotes by dead men to get through the day.
Felipe Esparza / Comedian
Men
Needs
Real
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Rich people bring a lawyer. Latinos and blacks bring their mom.
Felipe Esparza / Comedian
Mom
Lawyer
People
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You know you're getting older when your haters now want to kill you.
Felipe Esparza / Comedian
Getting Older
Want
Your Haters
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I used to work at UPS I got fired for unloading packages into my car.
Felipe Esparza / Comedian
Car
Packages
Used
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We have chemical weapons in America too, they're called meth and cocaine.
Felipe Esparza / Comedian
America
Cocaine
Weapons
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I've got three women in my life: my mama, ex baby mama and my new baby mama.
Felipe Esparza / Comedian
Baby
Mama
Three
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I know I'm getting older because yesterday I called the police on my neighbors.
Felipe Esparza / Comedian
Getting Older
Police
Yesterday
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I may not be the best dad but I taught my son how to get free samples at the mall.
Felipe Esparza / Comedian
Dad
May
Son
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Halloween is the only day I can dress up like a hot Latina woman with a beer belly.
Felipe Esparza / Comedian
Beer
Halloween
Hot
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I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards.
Felipe Esparza / Comedian
Envy
Looks
People
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Why go to France when you can smell the same people in coffee shops here in America.
Felipe Esparza / Comedian
America
Coffee
Smell
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While everyone else was saying Trick or Treat my dad was telling us to say Triki Tras.
Felipe Esparza / Comedian
Dad
Treats
Tricks
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My dad was one of those dads that would make me stop crying by threatening to beat me.
Felipe Esparza / Comedian
Dad
Cry
Threatening
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I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist.
Felipe Esparza / Comedian
Neighbor
Thinking
Watches
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I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.
Felipe Esparza / Comedian
Comedian
Comedy
Mexico
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I hate when comedians use Performed For The Troops as one of there credits before they go up on stage.
Felipe Esparza / Comedian
Comedian
Hate
Use
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Valentines Day is the Super Bowl of relationships. If you're alone that night you didn't make the cut.
Felipe Esparza / Comedian
Valentine
Cutting
Night
Super Bowl
Valentines Day
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I don't know any skinny people who bully fat people. I just know skinny people who use fat people for rides.
Felipe Esparza / Comedian
Bully
People
Use
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The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.
Felipe Esparza / Comedian
Car
Cousin
Police
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Whenever another Latino tells me they're more Mexican than me I stop working and let them do the work for me.
Felipe Esparza / Comedian
Latino
Mexican
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The war in Iraq is still going on. The British are helping. Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over there.
Felipe Esparza / Comedian
War
Iraq
Mexico
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Thanksgiving is the day you don't know if you're invited for dinner or an intervention either way is going to be an ambush.
Felipe Esparza / Comedian
Ambush
Dinner
Way
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I used to sell marijuana to my son's mom's new husband. And then I would take that money and give it to her as child support.
Felipe Esparza / Comedian
Mom
Children
Husband
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According to my local hip-hop station everyone has garnish wages, child support, liens and wants to buy or rent rims. Ya Heard!
Felipe Esparza / Comedian
Children
Hip Hop
Support
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You write some material, go up on stage and try it out; go back home and throw it in the trash can. And the next day do it again.
Felipe Esparza / Comedian
Home
Next Day
Writing
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I could never have a threesome. This is not a threesome body. This is a turn off the lights body, leave your shirt on body - this is a tell nobody.
Felipe Esparza / Comedian
Body
Light
Shirts
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I love my dad. He used to be a professional wrestler in Mexico. So it was cool growing up with him, because when he hit us, he didn't really hit us.
Felipe Esparza / Comedian
Dad
Growing Up
Mexico
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I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.
Felipe Esparza / Comedian
Baby
Mountain
Weight
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Every week for me was the same audience, and every week they heckled me. The better I got at comedy, the better the audience was at heckling me. But it helped me with my joke writing.
Felipe Esparza / Comedian
Comedy
Heckling
Writing
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My mom cooked the same food every day - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was enchiladas, it was - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was burritos, it was still - tortillas, beans and meat.
Felipe Esparza / Comedian
Mom
Burritos
Meat
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I didn't know how to grab your best material and put it together into a comedy set. I would just choose subjects and do it onstage. That's what I learned. I didn't know how to put a set together.
Felipe Esparza / Comedian
Comedy
Materials
Together
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I also had a stuttering problem. In a Mexican home they don't give you speech therapy; they don't even know what speech therapy is. They just get the belt. If there's a parrot in the house, you better talk better than the parrot.
Felipe Esparza / Comedian
Home
Giving
Mexican
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I was born in Sinaloa, Mexico, along with two of my siblings. The rest were born here in the United States. I didn't know we were illegal until I was in the 8th grade. We would call other kids wetbacks, but we were the real wetbacks!
Felipe Esparza / Comedian
Kids
Real
Sibling
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I started drinking when I was like 15, and by the time I was 19 everybody knew I was an alcoholic. So I would start five fights every weekend and lose terribly. First you start off fighting with one person and then he beats you up; and then one guy would be laughing, so you would hit him, too.
Felipe Esparza / Comedian
Drinking
Fighting
Weekend
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I got jumped into a gang, but I never shot anybody or anything. I might have been in the car when something happened, but I was involved in the gangs just for the drugs. After a while, I just became an outcast of the gang because I just liked the drugs. I just wanted to do more drugs, anything you put in my hand.
Felipe Esparza / Comedian
Car
Drug
Hands
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I love my dad. He used to walk around the whole neighborhood and collect old furniture and fix it, like MacGyver with duct tape. One time, he brought a television home. I said, 'Damn, that TV has 500 channels.' When I got older, it didn't have 500 channels - it was a knob from the oven. My favorite channel was 300 degrees.
Felipe Esparza / Comedian
Dad
Home
Degrees
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I listened to my first comedy album in 6th grade. It was Bill Cosby. My brother and I would play it over and over on a Fisher Price record player. A friend in high school also introduced me to Richard Pryor. I wasn't writing material back then, but I would say funny stuff. I was good at making fun of people's moms. If I knew something personal about you, it would be used against you.
Felipe Esparza / Comedian
Mom
Brother
Fun
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Felipe Esparza Quotes - Page 1

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