Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Try not to wake up on fire.
God is a twelve year old boy with Asperger's.
Don't throw a baby at anything - even a burglar.
Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.
You can do anything you want, as long as it works.
I'm fascinated by the logic that leads to something.
You wanna know what a gateway drug is? It opens a gate.
Is the square root of hate the same thing as love times love?
I think in Russia, there's a lot of storytelling and anecdotes.
A lot of the things I do are the sort of things I think are funny.
On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.
I can kill a dog in six ways. Five of them are throwing missiles at it.
Never give in to peer pressure, especially if the peer is not attractive.
I don't emphasize the whatevs. I say it as if it's truly a toss-away word.
Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.
You are an alchemist who can turn six beers into an awkward three week relationship.
I went to high school in Lexington, Massachusetts, which in hindsight was very nice.
Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?
I remember the first time I had sex. I wore a cape and goggles... because I didn't know.
In America, Qualification is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.
Is it okay to go the roof of the tallest building in your town and jerk off into the street?
If things are really overwhelming and you need to talk, you can give me a call at 347-273-2044.
You know how sometimes when you're drunk you say something you sort of regret... to Ace Frehley?
If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure.
Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job.
I don't think you should invest in commodities. Eddie Murphy made it seem risky in Trading Places.
Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.
It's weird - the cab driver is playing very loud dance music and yet it doesn't really feel like a party.
If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is - he's the reason you all live underground.
I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.
I just loved comedy as a kid and I think at some point, it just occurred to me that you could try it, and I did.
What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.
I forget, is freedom of speech when it's legal to say what you want or is it when it has no consequences for some reason?
When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.
Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys--either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.
What I think you should do is imagine people in their underwear but then also imagine them crying, and that - that is truly relaxing.
Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.
Oh, Hello. I'm Eugene Mirman, and I'm here to introduce my special. It's called An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory.
Imagine the wars we would've avoided if prior generations had a website where they could debate tragedy and politics in terse sentences?
On a quick side note, I would argue that--much like Samuel L. Jackson--I am not arrogant at all; I'm just actually really, really great.
The good thing about being stuck at the airport for an extra hour, is that it gives you a chance to give weary travelers surprise massages.
The only thing wrong with me was that I was a weirdo that hated school. I'm sure now there'd be a disorder for it, but I was just an oddball.
I don't know what it would be like to actually play guitar. I've toured with a lot of comedians and it's never been like it is for a rock band.
Don't get me wrong - I'll put $25 on the ground and then if you pick it up and we have sex in an alley, that's not a crime. That's a coincidence.
Let's start anew. Life is goals - Purpose-Attempts - Struggle-Dreams and Accomplishmenties. It sounds confusing (my fault), but it's actually simple.
I believe in diversification of income, because you never know what will happen. I'm a slightly paranoid person who thinks things could be ruined at any time.
Comedy clubs were something that came to pass in the '80s, but toward the end of that, in the early '90s, people started doing comedy again in alternative spaces.
Confidence is the key to virtually everything. It's just deciding that you're qualified because once you decide you're qualified, everything else becomes very easy.
In this time of recession, it is the time for invention. Did you know both the telephone and the automobile were invented during recessions? So was 'talking dirty.'
There's something therapeutic about connecting with an audience - when there's something really sort of odd or silly that you think is funny, and conveying it to an audience.