Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I'm a great lover, I'll bet.
Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
Ambiguity is the devil's volleyball.
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.
Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'
Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.'
My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.
You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi!
Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.
My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.
I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don't know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.
Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.