Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I guess in general, people tend to not eat the cute animals.
Horse racing is waning in popularity.
The message of great art is to disturb.
I've never been able to write for stand-up.
When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
What do hookers do on their nights off, type?
I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.
When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.
To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy.
I can't get married. I can't fake sleep for 30 years.
Citizens are all equal in politics: we each have one vote.
Pigs are smarter than dogs, and both are smarter than Congress.
I run everywhere and eavesdrop. It's the best way to see a city.
Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?
I'm pretty equal opportunity when it comes to issues to joke about.
Every time we help an animal, we are healing ourselves, over and over.
I think about death. I don't want to die with clothes in the cleaners.
You know you're getting fat when you step on the dog's tail and he dies.
My breakup with AT&T is final, and I'm done with Skype as the rebound guy.
My brother is gay and my parents don't care, as long as he marries a doctor.
Designers don't put out the same sweater every year. They just keep creating.
I'd much rather see Richard Pryor or Jackie Mason in a theater than in a club.
We have wild animals in zoos, yet people rarely meet their 'food' face to face.
My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.
You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.
You know you are in love when you are willing to share your cash-machine number.
For a single woman, preparing for company means wiping the lipstick off the milk carton.
Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?
I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.
You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot.
Have you noticed that if you leave the laundry in the hamper long enough, it's ready to wear again?
The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.
My family was totally non-religious. There was no question we were Jewish, but we were not observant.
Most people love animals, and most people love to laugh. Combining the two makes both resonate deeper.
I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.
A man who was loved by 300 woman singled me out to live with him. Why? I was the only one without a cat.
Sometimes, if you really don't know how you feel about a topic, reading how both sides argue it can help.
Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers.
President Reagan is a lot like E.T. He's cute, he's lovable, and he knows nothing about how Americans live.
Laundry's easier when you live alone. Fifteen minutes before a date, put 'em on, dry 'em with a hair blower.
Real comedy can't be learned; it comes from a need for justice. The best who stand up, stand up for something.
My mother always said you could eat off her floor; you could eat of my floor too, there's so much food down there.
I wasn't funny as a kid. I remember enjoying comedians, but I never understood it was a job choice or a profession.
I always had a running commentary in my head that was extremely funny and off-center, but I never said it to anyone.
When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.
I think when you take off that jacket and they see that ‘I LOVE GRANDMA’ T-shirt, they’re going to rip your heart out.
There are many comedians who are afraid to work outside the coasts and the casinos because they're afraid they'll bomb.
San Francisco is really fun and liberal, and it's my kind of politics. It's like being Jewish in front of Jewish people.
As a standup comedian, I've worked almost every New Year's Eve of my adult life. It's the best-paying night of the year.
Here is what is needed for Occupy Wall Street to become a force for change: a clear, and clearly expressed, objective. Or two.
