Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
There is no such thing as too much fun. People need to know it is O.K. to tell jokes and be happy.
The first Monopoly game I played with my brothers, I hated losing so much, I just had to beat them.
I'm a big believer in overcoming and achieving and doing things and not feeling sorry for yourself.
If I wasn't a comic or TV star, I really wanted to be a photojournalist. That was my other dream job.
My fans are pretty normal, they are always really nice and polite, and they don't interrupt my meals.
Living in Hollywood, you can get disconnected from everybody. You can feel like you are the only one.
The only way I'd need a pain reliever to enjoy sex is if all of my fantasies came true at the same time.
Funniest thing happened though, you wouldn't believe it, ha, the mannequins came to life. I went insane.
Trust me, kids - your homework can wait. Don't need to be doing homework while Whose Line is on; skip it!
When I did Comic Relief, I did it to be on the show; it's a badge of honor as a comedian to do that show.
I was just sick of being fat, you know? You get sick of it. It just really, it's a tiring lifestyle to have.
The Marines was a fresh start - that is why they shave your head. I wish they would let you change your name.
I do get the comics online I guess but it's such a pain. I'd rather just get them in the paper and read them.
On other shows when they get to the end of the scene, they yell 'Cut!' On Whose Line, we yell 'That's Enough!'
Green Screen was a total experiment. I'm glad we did it, but it was just tough on that network to get it going.
Isn't it amazing that the Germans call their city halls 'rat houses'? That's what we should call our city halls!
'Green Screen' was a total experiment. I'm glad we did it, but it was just tough on that network to get it going.
I like to think of my house as nothing more than a glorified console for my television; the ultimate stereo cabinet.
I had no problem going into retirement mode, ... I do what other retired guys do. I putter around the house and travel.
Nevada's one of the most conservative states in the Union, but you can do what you want in Vegas and nobody judges you.
Look, this is an odd question, but you're kind of cute and you're pretty nice to me. Are you drunk? It's OK if you are.
I love Las Vegas. I like that Las Vegas has everything. Everything and anything you want to do, you can do in Las Vegas.
Things don't make me nearly as happy as talking and having a beer with my friends. And that's something everyone can do.
The economy is in trouble, schools are in trouble, and people have been leaving the city in droves for a long, long time.
What right does a politician have to tell me what I can and cannot watch? Change the channel if you don't like what's on TV!
I never thought I was a libertarian until I picked up Reason magazine and realized I agree with everything they had printed.
I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter.
You know what I worry about? I worry that when I hit my head, it pushes my hair into my brain, and it will eventually kill me.
The laughs are honestly bigger, ... They are the kind of unexpected belly laughs you get with your friends during conversation.
And for you kids watching at home, remember, the less homework you do and the closer you sit to the TV, the more points you get.
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.
I just liked stand-up comedy so much. I used to memorize Bill Cosby albums and other people's albums, George Carlin, Flip Wilson.
I'm never afraid to die. I think that's the best thing that can happen to somebody is they get to move on and do something better.
Violence doesn't solve anything? World War I. World War II. Star Wars. Every Super Bowl. Who says violence doesn't solve anything?
I think that if anyone bothered to take a survey, they would find a sharp decline in atheism during the winters in Cleveland, Ohio.
The easiest diet is, you know, eat vegetables, eat fresh food. Just a really sensible healthy diet like you read about all the time.
It doesn't matter how smart you are; to audition for 'Jeopardy,' you just have to luck out and know what they're asking you that day.
I can't do that. I'm already the single guy living in his parents' house. I can't be seen digging a grave in the middle of the night.
People laugh to forget their troubles, and to forget their troubles they like to look at people who aren't doing better than they are.
The TV season is a year-long thing now, and the networks are starting to look at it that way, thanks to cable, satellites, and competition.
Vegas is everything that's right with America. You can do whatever you want, 24 hours a day. They've effectively legalized everything there.
When I'm working, I'm going to avoid all media. No newspapers, no magazines, no movies, no radio, no TV. I'm just going to do creative work.
Liquor prohibition led to the rise of organized crime in America, and drug prohibition has led to the rise of the gang problems we have now.
I loved the old stories in National Lampoon, like the original story the movie Vacation was based on. I used to laugh at them until I cried.
The people of Cleveland hate soccer. But it's my favourite thing and I follow the U.S. men's national team around when they play whenever I can.
Just because a guy has a shaved head, pierced nipples, and doesn't have sex with women doesn't make him gay. It just makes him down on his luck.
International soccer has been a big part of my love for the sport. I love the Men's National Team. I can say that they're my favorite sports team.
I always run in the morning on an empty stomach, and I'll go through a bottle and a half of water. Then I have a protein drink or I eat egg whites.
Welcome to 'Who's Line Is It Anyway' the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right the points are just like Canada.
Abraham Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan. They'd all fit more under the Libertarian label than the modern day Republican label.