Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
It sucks being fat, you know.
I'm competitive at everything.
The less [government] the better.
You say tomato, I say bourbon and coke.
I'm not a good lover, but at least I'm fast.
Every election I have to hold my nose to vote.
Nothing's funny about someone who's successful.
Reality shows always look for the worst people.
Everybody in Hollywood loves symbolic gestures.
When I play poker, I don't like losing the pot.
Libertarians are conservatives who still get high.
I don't care if my jokes are appropriate for a kid.
I always thought I was going to die before I was 60.
We'll never see national shows with 45 shares again.
What good is democracy if you can't get what you want?
Exercise is the main thing that helped me lose weight.
Eating crappy food isn't a reward -- it's a punishment.
I don't have a Bluetooth thing on my ear. That bugs me.
I have a position of indirect respect and oblique power.
I don't do one show and wish I was doing something else.
I was in the band when I was a kid, I played the trumpet.
After all, game shows are not like working in a coal mine.
I'm down to earth; people sense that and they appreciate it.
You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
I wish I could end every rap song I didn't like with a buzzer.
I love the normalcy of Cleveland. There's regular people there.
My cranky cardiologist says I'm destined to die in the kitchen.
What also helps our show is that we never take ourselves seriously.
I'm the kind of person that likes what I'm doing when I'm doing it.
I don't miss the economic insecurity, the living paycheck to paycheck.
If I wasn't a comic or TV star, I really wanted to be a photojournalist.
But I don't want to lose touch with things like eating in Bob's Big Boy.
Some people don't like competition because it makes them work harder, better.
Yeah, apparently chasing a bus uses different muscles than sitting and eating.
As far as exercising goes... watch for my next book, How I died while Jogging.
There's no way I can justify my salary level, but I'm learning to live with it.
If frogs could fly... well we'd still be in this mess, but wouldn't it be neat?
I could still eat a cheeseburger if I wanted to. I just can't have them every day.
I just try to get people to laugh - I'm not trying to change the world or anything.
I tried out for 'Jeopardy' once, when they came to Cleveland, but I didn't make it.
It should be up to each bar owner and patron to decide if they want to smoke or not.
In any other job, they're truck drivers. In show-biz, they're Transportation Captains.
When I thought I was retired, I wanted to travel around the world and watch soccer games.
When the show's in production, we work for three weeks at a time and then take a week off.
I wanted to do a show based on what my life would be like if I had never become a comedian.
Oh, and once, when I was in the Marines, I got a perfect score on my physical fitness test.
I see my face in the mirror and go, 'I'm a Halloween costume? That's what they think of me?'
Who ever thought that the world-famous Captain Obvious was really mild-mannered Colin Mochrie?
Like I said, all comedy is based on exaggeration, big or small, whatever you can get away with.
The Marines gave me a really strong sense of discipline and a work ethic that kicks in at my job.