Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Just saw a t-shirt at the gym said, body by torture. That's a lot less ironic if you're a political prisoner in the Middle East.
I wonder if anybody ever decided to commit suicide, then thought; but first I'm going to stop by that taco place I like so much.
If you spend a lot of time shopping for athletic clothes, you may want to consider spending less time thinking about high school.
Skin heads are doing an awful job of promoting racism. You guys need to loosen up, and for god's sake would it kill you to smile.
The world treats beautiful people like they're good at something, which makes it so that they almost never get good at something.
I don't know about you, but I like to fall in love on Mondays. This way if things go south right away you still have the weekend.
Whenever I'm around people it causes me to feel nostalgic for the loneliness that drove me into their presence in the first place.
Writing a new film about cereal killers. Not serial killers, cereal killers. The main character can eat two, three boxes at a time.
People would be so much more interesting if they'd behave like who they are, and not like what they think others expect them to be.
Cities with a black middle class provide the narrow minded an opportunity to realize that cultural differences are largely economic.
Is it a bad sign when someone asks you about the person your dating and a tear falls from your eye as you leap into oncoming traffic?
When I was a kid I remember thinking, if I had a girl, I would treat her really well. Little did I know, they don't always like that.
Dating is great unless you don't like horrible awkwardness, lying, and a deep foreboding sense of disappointment that never goes away.
I've never understood why anybody makes a big deal about mansions. It's just a house with more rooms. You still have to face yourself.
Upside of being an attractive woman; if you're remotely intelligent, people will treat you like you're brilliant. Downside: same thing.
If you carry a paperback book in your back pocket, but spend more time on your hair than you do reading it, you're probably a bad actor.
People shouldn't take my lack of interest in what they're saying personally. I don't really care about what I'm saying most of the time.
I like shitty strip clubs. They look like what they are. I know what to expect. Unlike Congress, at least we know everybody is for sale.
Hanging out with women on a platonic level is like spending time with someone from Europe. It's not better or worse, but it is different.
Just saw a woman with a t-shirt that said southern and sassy, it's all good. Well madame, I beg to differ, it is in fact, not 'all good'.
TV can be an acronym for television or transvestite. I prefer using it to describe the the latter. The former is strange and undignified.
I've decided to hire a 'food taster', not because I think anyone is trying to kill me, but because I want to make sure it's not to salty.
If you hug someone goodbye and their response is what the hell are you doing? - you may want to examine you're definition of close friend.
Bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend sends you reeling in a search for new adjectives to describe stupidity and thoughtlessness?
We should create a holiday that celebrates money for what it is, essentially worthless paper, upon which we agree to pretend it has value.
I would imagine that most of the people who consider themselves successful aren't, at least in the ways that really matter-myself included.
Every time I see someone taking care of a baby, I think why in the world would anyone willingly saddle themselves with that responsibility?
Standup comedy is fun. I mean other than having to experience the excruciating lonlieness and unacknowledged sadness that results in funny.
When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.
Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around with a big stuffed animal.
Is it a bad sign when you see the person you're dating and get the same feeling as if you just saw police lights in you're rear view mirror?
Being homeless is awful, but if you've ever tried to wrestle a duvet cover back onto a comforter you realise it's not without it's benefits.
There must be 15 shows about people's jobs: 'Ice Road Trucker,' 'Axe Men,' 'Dirty Jobs.' Unemployment is so high, we're watching people work.
My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.
Women often use large fake breasts like a gun, pointing the weapon at you in an attempt to garner the attention their father never gave them.
Suicide is like the ejector button in the cockpit of an F-15. If life goes into a permanent tail spin, it's nice to know the option is there.
Not sure how I feel about reality. I'm going to begin purchasing stuffed animals and endowing them with the qualities people in my life lack.
The downside of aging is a slower metabolism and achy joints.The upside is a knowledge of self that prevents one from behaving like a baboon.
Few things are as uniquely painful as bad comedy, and the realization that the human mind is a house of mirrors with no entrance and no exit.
People increase their use of the term 'sir' when their angry. Little do they know, it only causes me to feel more like I'm wearing a top hat.
Another thing rappers, I admire your rebellious spirit, but materialism is a form of mental slavery. Slow down on the jewelry, pick up a book.
I like to be able to connect with people. And that's how I connect, right away. I like to really talk to somebody. To me, it makes my night more interesting.
Everybody's angry with me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. My cousin goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'You're gay.
Comedy has been my way to reconcile with the world. I didn't really set out to do this, but comedy has served as my outlet to address my issues I have with this crazy world.
You can't assume the best about people. If I get a girl home and she takes her pants off, and it looks like she's got herpes, I can't afford to assume she got stung by a pack of bees.
What is sex addiction? I asked a doctor and the guys goes, Sex addiction... People will end up doing something they don't want to do just for sex. Isn't that called a first date, man? If sex was the result of something I wanted to do, there'd be condoms all over my PlayStation.
Finding your voice is something you have to keep working at. Your voice as a comic evolves the same way that you evolve. You have to find out what works for you. How can you express your opinion, your take on the situations in a way that feels natural to you? That's where you find your voice.
You forget how crazy people are in New York, all the people on the sidewalk. When you leave here, everyone's in their car. But I get back here - I just went to throw something in the garbage, and there was a guy in the garbage. And he wasn't looking in it; he is in it, looking out over 9th Ave like a fisherman.