Dov Davidoff Quotes - Page 3

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Being proud of your nationality is like congratulating yourself for inheriting money.

Dating a white girl is like dating a black girl if she were really passive-agressive.

Mirrors at the gym only serve to remind me that I'm less of a man than I'd like to be.

If I ever move in with a woman, she'll have to be really comfortable with unhappiness.

I think you have a lot to offer... not necessarily as a person, but as an organ donor.

I'm pretty sure whoever said, people are wonderful spent very little time with people.

America has so much debt, if she were a person she'd need a co-signer to get a car loan.

Comedy is a cruel mistress, especially if you're already seeing a really cruel mistress.

The language of love may be universal, but it's not one of the options on an ATM machine.

Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.

The great thing about having a small family is that there are fewer people to disappoint.

Flying first class means sitting next to a better class of person I don't want to talk to.

You're pregnant? Congratulations, the world needs another mindless, semiliterate consumer.

If space suits looked less like marshmallows, I'd be more interested in going to the moon.

The human spirit is indomitable, unless your talking specifically about the people I know.

Break ups are painful, but if initiated at the right time can fuel one's sense of optimism.

People that say I have a 'fear of commitment' don't understand my relationship with popcorn.

I would imagine that not having any potential could be less difficult than not fulfilling it.

Please use anger for something positive like hurting people that deserve it or writing jokes.

I like Irish pubs, except for all the loud music and drinking, and people acting like idiots.

Assassinating someone is another way of saying I care, just not in the way they'd want you to.

Next time I spank a girl during sex, I'll say, this is going to hurt me more than it will you.

Sex sells, unless you're dehydrated in which case you'd be much more likely to purchase water.

Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush.

Whoever said life without love isn't worth living didn't own an iPhone. These things are great.

All politicians promise that which they cannot deliver. I just wish they did so less gleefully.

Patriotism for the sake of is like choosing sides in a war based on the color of their uniforms.

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but conversations with them generally end in dissapointment.

Brain damage and stupidity are very different things, but can have similar effects on the wearer.

When rappers call each other son it leads me to believe they don't take fatherhood very seriously.

I'm passionate about gay rights, but I think we need admit that there are some gay wrongs as well.

Pine nuts pound for pound are more expensive than most varieties of smoked salmon. There I said it.

The Nazis were well dressed. Today's racists are a rag-tag bunch with no sense of style or panache.

I hate to see a woman cry, unless of course I'm crying first in which case I feel it's appropriate.

The best thing about bugs is their lack of self consciousness, also the ability to fly doesn't hurt.

It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.

America is a hot chick with a bad personality. Take her seriously and you'll end up hating yourself.

Thinking about the fathomless cruelty with which man has treated his fellow man, but also ice cream.

I've decided to become gay, not in a sexual way, but I am going to start picking up around the house.

Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.

Coming to terms with my feelings of worthlessness isn't always a bad time, but it's rarely a good one.

You know you've lived in LA to long when what you fear most about prison is a lack of organic produce.

If no-eye contact sex were a sport, I'm not saying I'd make it to the Olympics, but I like my chances.

Space and time are figments of you're imagination, unless the guy you're flying next to won't shut up.

I wish that every other guy were gay. Think about the leverage that would create in your relationship.

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

Ending a sentence with yo, is like saying, I don't want a job. Not today. Not ever. Know what I mean yo?

Laughing at ones own attempt at humor while saying things just come to me should be punishable by death.

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