Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Perhaps depression is a perfectly natural reaction to the human condition.
I'd put my faith in god, but I haven't met him, and I've been hurt before.
It's difficult to feel silly and depressed at the same time, but I manage.
Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It's like a tattoo that yells at you.
Writing good jokes requires effort. Think I'll just start dressing funnier.
You can tell a lot about a person by whether or not they're a transvestite.
Do you ever have one of those weeks where you know nothings gonna go right?
Why hasn't anyone opened a night club named 'No Drugs Allowed, Wink, Wink'?
I'm no quitter, unless it comes to human relationships or math and science.
Lack of sleep is only bad if you have to drive, or think, or talk, or move.
Horoscopes, like bad sitcoms, are created for people that I don't relate to.
Anticipation almost always exceeds the reality of that which we anticipated.
The color red is associated with romance and blood, but not at the same time.
People who say life is precious don't spend much time on line at the airport.
Misery loves company which is ironic because it rarely throws dinner parties.
Hard to explain to a guard dog that you need it to protect you from yourself.
The Statue of Liberty really is profound, I just wish she'd lighten up a bit.
Parenthood seems really rewarding... like martyrdom, but without the glamour.
Many television weather-women were one abusive parent away from prostitution.
The entertainment business is to business what plastic flowers are to flowers.
Please reduce the expectation in your tone when asking me how my day is going.
If you got it, flaunt it may be decent advice for prostitutes, but no one else.
My dad was old school Jewish. Not do your taxes Jewish - steal your car Jewish.
Nike store won't accept my Starbucks card as payment. Come on guys, just do it.
Money can't buy happiness, unless you're favorite hooker's name is 'Happiness'.
When maintaining a relationship means diminishing your self, it's time to walk.
The fabric of society is woven together by the needle of suppression and denial.
Is there anything more attractive than a woman in high heels and low self esteem?
Was thinking of taking a yoga class, then realized I wasn't gay. Whew. Close one.
I wish I could be attracted to unattractive women. They're just more interesting.
Few things are more annoying than too many of any one ethnicity in the same room.
Life is fragile, unless your in the NFL in which case you'll need to wear padding.
Health food would seem healthier if the people that sold it looked less unhealthy.
When being interviewed by a woman for a job, never begin with listen up doll face.
Nothing good about the sun if you're trying to watch television with out curtains.
Cheerleaders are simultaneously everything that is right and wrong with the world.
Water polo would be much more interesting if they hadn't gotten rid of the horses.
Quality thoughts will turn their back on you if you don't treat them with respect.
Maybe necrophiliacs are just people that want to have sex without a lot of talking.
It's a shame that physical beauty often has such a negative effect on its occupant.
You can't fool the American people - politician trying to fool the American people.
Perhaps being hated in the right way is preferable to being loved in the wrong one.
Gotta get rid of these free radicals, but first I need to figure out what they are.
Age is just a number, unless of course your trying to have a conversation with them.
I've decided to retreat to the spirit world where I feel appreciated and understood.
Someday I'd like to be a father, not of a human child, but something more reasonable.
Being anti-social can also mean that you're aware of how annoying it is to be social.
Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.
Throwing up is natures way of saying you need to re-examine your idea of a good time.
Big black guys fear air travel almost as much as old white women fear big black guys.