Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I'm in a perfect position. I don't want to be more famous and I can't lose sponsors, so I can say anything I want.
Right at the end of the big wall of vibrators, $29.95, big rubber fist. Thirty bucks! Just in time for mothers day.
Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.
Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.
I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking man I'm glad I got a hooker last night.
There should be no such thing as a vice law. Every vice is only a bad habit, and the punishment is inherent in the act.
Just for being a religion at all you're as complicit as the rest in the retardation of the human intellectual progress.
If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.
When you come out of that pink ugly hole onto this planet you're nothing but a gooey shrieking wrinkled ball of weakness.
What ever happened to freak shows? Back in the twenties when elephant man was born at least he had a job waiting for him.
I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.
Some people just join the military because they need college money. Then they're idiots and college wasn't going to help.
Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?
Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what's theirs, meet the people, because they're really, really, bafoons.
Here's the path to sobriety: Play the Ron Paul drinking game. Watch CNN and take a drink every time someone says his name.
When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.
There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.
I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasnt particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.
There's a lot of meth [in Bisbee]. So there's an ex-cop-car Tahoe and a BE DRUG FREE van parked right in front of my house.
Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.
Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.
It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security.
I'm a bit of a potty mouth. My dad used to wash out my mouth with soap, but that was just to get rid of any traces of his DNA.
If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke?
Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life.
Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases; it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get.
Invent new drugs, that's what you should be doing... fight to get new weirder ones... and weirder establishments to do them in.
They never differentiate between drug users and drug addicts... I've done most drugs there are socially, I never had a problem.
Before modern medicine, would pussies just generally rot up inside you and fall out of you like spoiled oysters on the sidewalk?
We have no healthcare and we have all the guns in the world, it makes you think twice before you start throwing punches in a bar.
You forget, when you're in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don't speak English first and they speak better than I do.
You never hear in the news, "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the north."
The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.
My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?
What did you learn in school that you still use today? Go ahead teachers, tell me. What? Fear, conformity, don't question authority.
Excess in moderation: don't drink a few beers every day after work, wait 'till the end of the month and drink all the beers at once.
I immediately split the crowd. I thought about coming on every night and shouting, 'Gay pride, white power!' just to confuse people.
I don't know. Both my parents are dead. So? Wait, I got pictures of their corpses in my wallet. I had them blown up as murals. Here.
I don't like life that much. It's not that big a deal for me... I don't want to know I have cancer till it's visible to the naked eye.
Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.
I am 42 years old and I have $9000, and I am out of ideas. I've nothing to spend it on. I'm bored shitless. I will die with that $9000.
You say you hate children and people always say the same thing; it would be different if it was your own child. Well what if it wasn't?
The revolution I was starting where I thought I could yell at 200 people in a bar every night and change the world didn't quite happen.
I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures.
America takes credit for giving you freedom that you had anyway. It's like going to a wedding and putting your tag on somebody elses box.
When I used to drive on the road from L. A., one time in Arizona we went off-road to see what weird little towns are around. Loved Bisbee.
I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn't even know you had until tonight.
What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom. Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 years that hasn't just depressed me more.
Democracy is the worst kind of government, I'm sorry. Would you still call yourself a Christian if they elected a new Jesus every four years?
There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.