Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Unfortunately this is where comedy works, where people are the most miserable.
You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour.
Sex and children are the two things that delude logic the most in this society.
I'm pretty drunk and bored with yelling at the stone walls that are your minds.
People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience.
If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop.
Even your religious friends do not want to hear about God during a medical diagnosis.
High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.
So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.
Every vice is already a punishment in itself... you don't need a ticket on top of it.
Tradition and heritage are all dead people's baggage, stop carrying it. Move forward.
Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.
The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society.
If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?
You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.
Separation of Church and State is the perineum of America and the episiotomy didn't hold.
"This is Lakshmi Singh." It's like a tadpole dying in muck. Take a drink. Wet your mouth.
I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material.I can't look at the old tapes now.
Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness.
If you tell me you are going to kill yourself, I'm not going to try to talk you out of it.
Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?
I am a player in life, not an observer. I look at herpes the way you look at a scraped knee.
There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.
I've jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic.
The first five times that you bang someone and the last million times are two different worlds.
I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.
Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.
I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.
I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.
I'm just funnier when I'm drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt.
I go on stage, it's like I'm leading you into battle; you are not all going to be here at the end.
Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.
What if I don't want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don't want to be led.
Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don't clap, this is a flaw in the system!
He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.
I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty.
Race, Religion, Ethnic Pride, Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you have never met
I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.
If you get offended by words - by noises we make with our mouths - it means you were raised by bad parents.
They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point.
If you have a good product. You don't need to advertise. You've done drugs? Did you ever see them advertised?
The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.
When you consider the overpopulation in this world ... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society.
If I have to be a monotheist, y'know pick one, I'm picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions.
If I was a freak of nature... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall.
If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.
Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do.
People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.
The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.
The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.