Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I told jokes badly.
I was a mother's boy.
I write my own tweets.
I don't do impressions.
When I'm onstage, I'm acting.
Sinatra was somebody special.
I've never gone to comedy clubs.
I never went out looking for glory.
I didn't get married until I was 38.
Showbiz is great if you're successful.
You know what's funny to me? Attitude.
My mother was a Jewish General Patton.
I want to be a dog, but I'm a pussycat.
You've got to be able to sell yourself.
Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?
My whole act is off the top of my head.
It takes many years to be a great comedian.
I don't like to compare myself with anybody.
Don't call me 'sir; 'King Jew' will do fine.
Las Vegas is the boiling pot of entertainment.
My health, thank God, has kept my brain alive.
I still have drive, but everything is relative.
You throw your best punch, otherwise don't do it.
I ride a recumbent bike for half an hour every day.
I do situations and make fun of authority and life.
Johnny Carson was king of the kings, in my opinion.
I say things I get away with, and it becomes a joke.
My main success was an attitude. Always an attitude.
Some people say funny things, but I say things funny.
My grandchildren just know me now as Mr. Potato Head.
Some people say funny things - but I say things funny.
Asians are nice people, but they burn a lot of shirts.
I'm not one of those guys who wants to die on a stage.
I was 28 when my father died, and I was an only child.
Well, I call myself an actor. I always wanted to be one.
Yeah, I make fun of blacks, and why not? I'm not a black.
My life was in Montreal years ago. Best food in the world.
The man I adored, and miss him terribly, was Johnny Carson.
I've never gambled a dime. Never, in all my years in Vegas.
Hell, do I remember the first joke? I was never a jokester.
Ninety percent of the people who come to see me are my fans.
I'm very shy so I became very outgoing to protect my shyness.
Smartphones. Who cares? Smartphones. I only have dummy phones.
If I were to insult people and mean it, that wouldn't be funny.
Bob Newhart, who is my best friend, is one of the guys I adore.
If something strikes me as funny, I'll put it in my performance.
I spent two and a half years in the Philippines in World War II.
I have my own gym. When you do jokes and they sell, you get a gym.
Room service is great if you want to pay $500 for a club sandwich.
My wife came into my life, and my mother still wanted to be the boss.