Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
It takes zero politically correct people to screw in a lightbulb because they are perpetually in the dark.
The Cowboy's defense has more holes in it than Ronny Milsapp and Jose Feliciano after a game of lawn darts.
Nowadays, with history not being taught anymore in American public schools, self-esteem is taking its place.
I am proof that Einstein's "e equals m c squared" is wrong. My mass has increased, but my energy has dropped.
Women don't like guys who are dangerous. Women just want us to think that because women are trying to kill us.
The left promises abortion rights and cradle to the grave protection, so the trick is to make it to the cradle.
America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.
Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention.
I like the show [Factor] because it's horny, but it's not skeevy. Where else are you going to get that nowadays?
Now let me get this straight. Bush is anti-abortion, but pro-death penalty. I guess it's all in the timing, huh?
I'm extremely moved by the loving, caring relationship the President always seems to have with his imaginary son.
After September 11th, freedom of speech in America has become a topic that's touchier than a Vatican summer camp.
I have a nice house. And when somebody says it's a palace, I always feel like we're digging a little or something.
I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. I'm not Ed Murrow up on the roof in a London fog reporting on the blitz.
I love this country for several reasons, not the least of which is that I know I'm allowed to hate it if I want to.
We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.
When the hell is Warren Moon going to retire? I mean, this guy is older than the cuneiform in Nebuchadnezzar's tomb.
If somebody wants to shoot up and die in front of you, more power to them. The herd has a way of thinning itself out.
The quarterback's spending so much time behind the center that he may jeopardize his right to lead a Boy Scout troop.
We are simultaneously the most hated, loved, feared and admired nation on this planet. In short, we are Frank Sinatra.
You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.
Homosexuals are entering the mainstream, because they're becoming as boring and as tedious as any other splinter group.
Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge.
Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?
The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood.
I think [Ann Coulter] understands that, she's Pavlov's dog. She gets the corn kernel if she hits that drum once in a while.
I have sympathy for any human being that's driven by their limbic part of their brain. We all know that exists in a person.
Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.
We've got Nancy Pelosi. She never shuts up. It's just occasionally we have to hood her like a falcon so we can get some sleep.
It's your living room, it's your life, go nuts. You like Home Improvement? Tape it and go over it like it's the Zapruder film.
Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.
Of *course* he needs to renegotiate his salary - the guy buys more snow than Seward did when he bought Alaska from the Russians.
Even the best psychiatrist is like a blindfolded auto mechanic poking around under your hood with a giant foam "We're #1" finger.
I'm actually equal parts cynicism and apathy. I'm always willing to believe the worst as long as it doesn't take too much effort.
Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.
Check out the helmet hair on Randy Moss, babe! He looks like some freakish anti-Mr. T after a long evening sleeping through 'Aida.'
A developer is someone who wants to build a house in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who already has a house in the woods.
Big deal, so he scored. The last time I saw someone dance like that I had to pay her $20 and have my pants dry cleaned the next day.
TV evangelists say they don't favor any particular denomination, but I think we've all seen their eyes light up at tens and twenties.
The government could take away all the drugs in the world and people would spin around on their lawns until they fell down and saw God.
And by the way, my belief is that if men were the ones getting pregnant, abortions would be easier to get than food poisoning in Moscow.
Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they're the ones who can sign you into the nursing home.
A lot of people voting for Pat Buchanan say they are doing so to send a message. Apparently that message is, 'Hey, look at me, I'm an idiot.'
Everybody is full of crap. The coin of the realm is being full of crap. The best people - being full of crap are our leaders and our superstars.
And I've always been paranoid. I can remember as a baby my mother would spin the mobile above my head and thinking..."yeah, that's coming down."
A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to 35 and your job still requires you wear a nametag, you've probably made a serious vocational error.
Everyone wants answers and wants to know what the timeline is. Unfortunately, it's a complex situation, and we don't have the final answers yet.
What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?
I would call the French scumbags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac.
The Patriots deflated balls are but an allegory for America's deflated balls in dealings with Putin, the Mullahs in Iran, and Islamic terrorists.