Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.
Usually my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it.
As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it.
Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it.
Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.
It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive.
Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you're pregnant. If you're not, then let's break up.
I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.
When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.
Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I'm facing the right way so that it doesn't blow back and hit me in my face.
I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.
Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but it's about something else.
Sometimes heckling can almost help a set, because it ratchets up the tension in the room... can even bring things to a climax.
I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What's even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home.
I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'
I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.
I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.
Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"
Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.
I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'
Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.
Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.
I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.
Sometimes I see a bird fly by and I feel jealous. But then other times I see a bird fly into a closed window and I feel laughing.
In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that's what makes life hopeful.
A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you're smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you're thinking about something.
I've met a few people who were passive-aggressive, but I've never met anyone who was aggressive-passive. I don't want tacos! Maybe.
I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally blame the dancing bear.
I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just say flavors.
I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.
I got into stand-up because I love stand-up. Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punch line.
The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.
The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.
I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They're like: You look completely appropriate. You don't look stupid or lonely at all.
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.
The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.
I have an air mattress. It's great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole in it and use it to stay alive.
The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.
It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.
I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.
Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.
My family was fine, it's just a different way of going about life. Creativity was not something that was isolated and identified and valued.
A squirrel is the same as a can, when there's a bb gun in my hand. Can't you see that I am just a man? With distinctions... and comparisons.
I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up.
And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.
A lifevest protects you from drowning and a bulletproof vest protects you from getting shot, and a sweater vest protects you from pretty girls.
I wasn't the class clown, but I was starting to become the "crazy guy" at law school, which is the guy who is not so much "crazy" as "annoying."
Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.