Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.
Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time.
I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television.
If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.
Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.
My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.
When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. DONE!
I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate?
Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name... ..DJ Abraham Lincoln
I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.
If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting.
Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.
To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'
I don't like thank you cards because I don't know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? See Front.
You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you're just alone.
Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster.
I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.
I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.
Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.
When I'm buying car insurance I ask myself, 'Which company has the most annoying and relentless commercials?'
I wanna design a video game where you'd have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games.
I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don't have to hold things when I sleep.
Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.
I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.
I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.
And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.
Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.
I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.'
If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.'
Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.
Suicide is the #1 killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.
I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".
There are two kinds of jackets - reversible, and reversible but it's hard to zipper up and it looks really stupid.
A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.
Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'
I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.
I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the dog's owner - and the distance you are from your car.
I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably.
Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks.
I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.
I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?
To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, Oh, come on! every now and then at the TV.
When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.
If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.
I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues"