Demetri Martin Quotes - Page 5

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But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, Get me started.

When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.

When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know.

You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

You can make a very heavy and kind of dangerous 3-way shot glass out of a bowling ball.

A Rubik's cube is equal to a drag queen. It's really colorful, but I don't wanna do it.

Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I'm in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.

The difference between a child's toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.

To make even fewer friends try talking about politics as much as you talk about yourself.

I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.

If you are trying to impress a woman, leave any sort of show farting out of the equation.

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.

I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying.

Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when OK was abbreviated to K.

To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.

A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.

I think the most annoying language is a tie between all the ones I don't know how to speak.

I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it... so I just added "ish" to every number.

The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.

Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?

I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were.

A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.

Palindromes are the number one conversation stopper, like party killer, I think I've ever seen.

I believe in empathy. When religion provides that for people, it's the best thing in the world.

I am a man. And I am former baby and a future skeleton, and I am a distant future pile of dust.

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house.

I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.

It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.

There is a small, but important, difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool.

It's not enough to say I'm sorry. You have to also mean it. It's the same with saying I'm single.

I like birthdays. Every time someone is born, that's just like bringing more cake into the world.

I went whale watching once. It was very similar to watching people on a boat become disappointed.

There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.

It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.

It turns out dentists don't like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear.

Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair.

In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person's yard.

I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them.

I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.

Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.

I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it's okay.

I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process.

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