Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.
Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.
When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.
A large portion of the Earth's land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.
I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.
It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.
I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.
A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole.
A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.
It is interesting that the black BMW is the preferred car of so many assholes.
I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store.
Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.
Never forget where you came from. That's what I think when I walk into a cave.
I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus.
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.
Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.
Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.
Futon World - a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time.
If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.
I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.
When a couch potato is sliced up and then deep fried that is couch french fries.
I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.
Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious.
My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder.
It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.
It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt.
It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.
Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.
I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.
I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me.
I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.
Sometimes it looks like I'm dancing, but it's just that I walked into a spider web.
A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned.
You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.
Whenever I try to spell 'banana,' I feel stupid because I don't know when to end it.
Halloween's my favorite holiday because you don't have to spend it with your family.
Cottonballs are an example of something I'd want to buy, but not have as a nickname.
My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.
You can say 'Thanks,' and you can say 'Thanks a Million' - but any number in between?
If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.
Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.
My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer.
If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.