Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.
My policy is 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'
The definition of adventure depends upon how boring your life is.
I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!
To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.
There is no I in Team, unless you count the vertical part of the T.
When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.
Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.
It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun... ladies.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
They should call fishing what it really is... tricking and killing!
I have a time machine at home. It only goes forward at regular speed
I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.
A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy.
Skeet shooting is probably more satisfying if you really hate skeets.
I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.
I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.
A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.
The reason you often get in comedy is because you're not getting laid.
If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.
One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.
One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.'
I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.
Sometimes I like to go outside without even checking the weather first.
A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either
As a creative person, you want to have a foothold and sense of progress.
I think bears and worms aren't very similar... until you think of gummy.
Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.
I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos.
The Pursuit of Happiness: It sure seems to like a good chase, doesn't it?
Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.
Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving.
I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.
A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.
If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.
I wonder if it's rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.
Reality is a concept that depends largely upon where you point your face.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered.
I like digital cameras, because they enable you to reminisce immediately.
Villains fear me because I am unpredictable and broccoli. See what I mean?
Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?
If I had to pick one artist to tile my bathroom I would go with MC Escher.
I always try to just be honest ... As opposed to artifice or manipulation.
People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.
Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.
Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them.
The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.