Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.
My friend says touche way too much. He's a touche bag.
Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.
I just found out that I have more allies than America!
How to be a bouncer: be an asshole; stand near a door.
How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.
If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.
Knights would have probably liked refrigerator magnets.
'Dammit I'm mad' is 'Dammit I'm mad' spelled backwards.
A human head looks the least scary when it is attached.
Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.
I think it's interesting that cologne rhymes with alone.
100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.
If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.
The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.
It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.
I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.
The other night I was playing twister with some amputees.
Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.
The problem with most people, is that they are most people.
At the battle of the bands the loser's always the audience.
99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.
If you have a lair then you are probably not a good person.
Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.
I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'
The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).
Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill.
Game, set, match equals tennis. Set, match, run equals arson.
The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.
Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.
I don't want to be my own boss. I want to be my own colleague.
If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.
I don't usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class.
I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.
Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.
And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.
There are very few songs about just liking someone as a friend.
A power nap, is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you
I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.
I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails.
Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.
When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.
When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.
A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
I got into stand up just to do stand up because I love stand up.
To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it.
There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize.
One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton".
I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.