Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I love Steven Wright.
To me, comedy is a game.
Most stick people are black.
Clowns have no respect for pie.
Let no man's deathbed be a futon.
The earth without art is just eh.
I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.
I like people, for a little while.
Love is, and I hope it never isn't.
People only have so much attention.
I never set out to do a sketch show.
The sofa is the enemy of productivity.
It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.
Wind chimes are also earthquake chimes.
I've never read an article of clothing.
Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.
Mosquito bites Jesus, receives communion.
A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.
Vampires probably don't have great breath.
This is a pie chart about procrastination.
I am a ceiling fan, especially during rain.
A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.
Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.
Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.
Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.
I need to develop some patience - immediately.
Once I started to look i finally began to see.
A glove is a very literal looking hand puppet.
Canoe + waterfall = I don't go camping anymore.
At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.
I think they named the orange before the carrot.
For some reason cowboy sounds better than cowman.
Vampire fad just won't die. Makes sense, I guess.
I wonder how they deal with mice at Disney World.
A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.
Every fight is a food fight when youre a cannibal.
Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.
I can move objects with my mind, if I use my hands.
I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia.
Planning trip around the globe, that is in my room.
I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.
Jumping jacks are easier to do than crawling jacks.
If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time.
I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.
I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.
I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don't know why.
Everything I ever learned I was told by someone else.
Have a great day. Note: does not apply to my enemies.
I'm afraid of sharks - but only in a water situation.