Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Single guys get a bad rap.
I'm like a Dilbert cartoon.
It's so crazy in Hollywood.
It's hard to have a career.
It's funny because it's funny.
To be famous and broke is hard.
I have no detectable hair style.
My career is just kind of crazy.
I got into stand-up to get on a sitcom.
I never have kids in movies or in TV shows.
I never dated much in high school or college.
You know, you want to pull in a wide audience.
I'm always making fun of myself and my friends.
Nobody wants to read about your life. Who cares?
I changed my act because I wasn't getting booked.
I've been with a beautiful girl from time to time.
There's always something funny about men chasing women.
I've got to get on myself to be sharp, funny and loose.
Hopefully, underlying all my jokes is an element of surprise.
As boys get older, they can't let on that it's cool to meet me.
Now that I have the opportunities to do a lot, I want to do less.
My school of thought is, anything goes, but I can't do that anymore.
I'm scared of slipping up, of just doing a joke that makes me laugh.
I just don't like to go out and deal with the real world. It's scary.
My fellow nerds and I will retire to the nerdery with our calculators.
I don't like throwing myself in a place that's going to rock my world.
Everyone is so weird in L.A. that if you're somewhat normal, it's exotic.
When I started I'd fly across the country to do a gig for a hundred bucks.
I'm still blow drying my hair, just trying to keep doing stuff that's fun.
I think the chances are better of me putting Super Unleaded into a rented car.
Most of the shows I want to do I'm not smart enough to figure out how to watch.
It's great to tell people you have your own show, but that's where the fun stops.
On Sundays, I lay low, sulk a lot, and try to get my head together for next week.
With Saturday Night Live you're looking for any hook, any way to stay on the show.
To make money I picked up work as a busboy, valet parker, skateboard shop employee.
I wish I had that carefree lifestyle. But I guess I'm more private, and more inside.
A friend of Nicole Ritchie told the New York Post that Nicole is definitely pregnant.
If I try to cover too much ground, you start to get watered down and less interesting.
I started doing the star turn and making a profit off it. Now I'm kind of one of them.
I only have one note, let's be honest. But I'll play a different version of that one note.
I've had it where things didn't go well for me with movies or something that got canceled.
People come and go around you, but you're never the one getting the big stuff. I like that.
No one wants to know I set my alarm and get up 8, but I think it's too weird to sleep in too late.
I have two skateboards, but I don't get to use them much. I have a snowboard, which I've never used.
There are too many fawning entertainment shows out there and not one of them is making fun of it all.
You know the drill. 18 is legal. 17 with consent. 16 with a note. 15 if her dad's in the room. Low five!
How do you lay low but still do your job? Try to stay out there without being out there like Jenny McCarthy?
I have no stories to sell. A lot of my relationships are with civilians, and no one wants to hear about those.
My older brother was cool, so I was suddenly cool by association. And I totally dusted all my old math friends.
I feel like I've got this anti-marriage thing, but it's less that and more I'm overthinking it to get it right.