Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
But I'm a humorist. I'm not a reporter, I never pretended to be a reporter.
Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto.
No one writes dialect better than Flannery O'Connor. No one should even try.
I like listening to books as well, as that way you can iron at the same time.
I tend to show everything I do to my family, to check they won't be offended.
Given enough time, I guess anything can look good. All it has to do is survive.
I just looked at the pattern of my life, decided I didn't like it, and changed.
Snowball just leads elves on, elves and Santas. He is playing a dangerous game.
Often I'd take out my magnifying glass and stare into the chaos that was her face.
As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts.
But I don't distinguish between being laughed with, and laughed at. I'll take either.
If I were president, I would turn the tables and allow the fetus to abort its mother.
I started writing when I was twenty, and my first book came out seventeen years later.
Usually, if I think something is really funny, it doesn't get any reaction whatsoever.
To say that a humorist exaggerates to get big laughs, I don't see how that's big news.
I giggled out loud at his stupidity. If anyone knew how to make a bed, it was a faggot.
When you read comic material and people aren't laughing how do you know they're listening.
I was just struggling with my inner vachette and pondering the depths of my own inhumanity.
A lot of people don't know what they want, you know, or they're just kind of vague about it.
but I have no mind for business and considered staying awake to be enough of an accomplishment.
Remember that the most important thing is to try and love other people as much as they love you.
Sometimes with 'The New Yorker,' they have grammar rules that just don't feel right in my mouth.
I've wasted a lot of time pretending to be interested in people who weren't terribly interesting.
I go to the movies at least five times a week, and after a while everything becomes a blur to me.
Sometimes I say to myself, 'Oh, I wish I could win a Tony Award', although I'm not that bothered.
Paul Rudnick is a champion of truth (and love and great wicked humor) whom we ignore at our peril.
There seemed to be some correlation between devotion to God and a misguided zeal for marshmallows.
I meet people at book signings. My record now, for signing, is ten and a half hours in one sitting.
He looked as though his life had not only passed him by but paused along the way to spit in his face.
Say what you will about the south, but in North Carolina a hot dog is free to swing anyway it wishes.
Maybe one day, I would write a story about arguing in public, and those would come in handy in some way.
I guess my guilty pleasure would be listening to the British audio versions of the 'Harry Potter' books.
There is still the outside world to contend with. A world of backfiring cars, and their human equivalents.
My family isn't really all that different from anyone else's. Well, maybe they're a bit more entertaining.
Comfort has its place, but it seems rude to visit another country dressed as if you’ve come to mow its lawns.
Most people, or at least most of the people that I've come into contact with, would like to be written about.
Famous people like to choose friends who won't go around repeating their conversations and details about them.
If you are any kind of an artist, then validation . . . can be a result, but you're going to do the work anyway.
In my dream world gay people in America would get the right to marry, and not a one of them would use that right.
The Korean man nodded, the way you do when you’re a foreigner and understand that someone has finished a sentence.
A good [short story] would take me out of myself and then stuff me back in, outsized, now, and uneasy with the fit.
Boys who spent their weekends making banana nut muffins did not, as a rule, excel in the art of hand-to-hand combat.
People are often frightened of Parisians, but an American in Paris will find no harsher critic than another American.
The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections of Cathy cartoons.
Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings.
I've always been very upfront about the way I write, and I've always used the tools humorists use, such as exaggeration.
Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in this plastic jumpsuit?
It is funny the things that run through your mind when you're sitting in your underpants in front of a pair of strangers.
I'm the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people I've never even met.
I'd tried to straighten him out, but there's only so much you can do for a person who thinks Auschwitz is a brand of beer.