David Letterman Quotes - Page 4

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I saw a robin redbreast in Central Park today, but it turned out to be a sparrow with an exit wound.

Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard.

Bill Murray is on the show tonight. Next week I'll be Goggling 'foods that improve prostate health.'

President Obama is going to take two weeks to unwind, as opposed to President Bush, who never wound.

It's disappointing when you finally get to meet someone you admire and he conducts himself as a jerk.

You like science? You enjoy science? Always use it for good, never for evil. Can you promise me that?

Newt Gingrich had a horrible week in the Iowa caucuses. Only 13 percent of his ex-wives voted for him.

It's two days until tax time. I know it's late, but there is still time to deduct this show as a loss.

Trump says that if he's elected, he won't let the presidency interfere with the Miss Universe pageant.

Prince William and Kate Middleton are in New York City. We have got to do something about immigration.

I pulled a hamstring during the New York City Marathon. An hour into the race, I jumped off the couch.

Herman Cain said, starting today, if you buy into his 9-9-9 plan, he'll throw in a free 32-ounce soda.

Did you get the new iPhone yet? The iPhone that I have is outdated. It has two pieces and a hand crank.

The United States has launched airstrikes against ISIS. It's being called 'Operation Approval Ratings.'

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Ted Cruz could be president of the United States. If you thought the Secret Service was drinking before

I got a call from my mom today, she says, 'Well, David, I see you didn't get the 'Tonight Show' again.'

Are you excited about the recall election? Arnold's campaign has a new slogan: 'Win one for the groper.'

Everybody is wondering what Paris Hilton will be doing next, and hell, I'm wondering what she did before.

We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.

Mitt Romney and his family have a big two-day weekend plan. They're going to hike to the top of his money.

Republicans are having trouble luring Gov. Chris Christie into the presidential race. They should try pie.

Since 1980, there have been 91 breaches of security at the White House. Well, 92 if you count George Bush.

It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?

Insiders say that Trump is running for president as a publicity stunt. That's not the Donald Trump I know.

Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew is coming. You drink it, you get a combination of type 1 and type 2 diabetes.

I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal.

Political pundits are saying President George W. Bush has made gains in two key states: dazed and confused.

Labour day is a great American holiday that people celebrate by going out and buying products made in China

Say what you will about Leona Helmsley, when it comes to standing trial, she's twice the man Jim Bakker is.

Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.

Obama took a tour of the Great Wall of China and said, 'We need one of these things around the White House.'

Osama bin Laden has ten look-alikes to fool us Americans. Ten look-alikes, and he's married to five of them.

Here's the plot of 'Interstellar.' Refugees - they're known as Democrats - they're looking for a new planet.

The White House is saying Donald Trump has 'zero percent chance' of being elected. Isn't that a little high?

Mitt Romney said he's not concerned about the very poor. What he means is people making less than a million.

Number one way life would be different if dogs ran the world: All motorists must drive with head out window.

Sarah Palin made her debut as a Fox News analyst. They finally found a job that she's not under-qualified for.

Today is tax day. A lot of people are hoping they get refunds. And that's just the folks here in the audience.

It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said.

Hillary Clinton is running for president. This time around, she promises to be warm and approachable. Like me.

Last night we had Bill Clinton, the former president. Security was as tight as Governor Christie's yoga pants.

Overall Bush's European trip has been an overwhelming success. Not once has he gotten separated from his group.

Sarah Palin's book is big, 400 pages. She wrote the book herself and agonized over every word, and so will you.

Number one: Don't frisk me. Don't hurt me physically. Don't get anywhere near my neck. And don't call me Regis.

The first presidential debate was down in Florida. Residents spent all day putting plywood on their televisions.

I vote Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.

Ladies and gentlemen, after what I've been through, I am happy just to be wearing clothes that open in the front.

You're not really drinking coffee unless you drink it black, don't you think? Oh, no? You like to monkey with it?

The CIA special unit that was searching for Osama bin Laden has been disbanded. So I guess, mission accomplished.

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