Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Scientists tell us that the fastest animal in the world, with a speed of 120 mph, is a cow dropped out of a helicopter.
Alan Zweibel is the funniest writer in the world. He might be even funnier when he's naked, but I'm afraid to find out.
I've gained a few pounds around the middle. The only lower body garments I own that still fit me comfortably are towels.
I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?
As a professional journalist, I have always been fascinated by people who appear to have even more spare time than I do.
Miami, you can never run out of material. As long as you have Miami around you, you will never, never stop being amused.
I have a friend named Doris who argues, on good authority, that the single biggest cause of global warming is menopause.
My son wouldn't go get heroin. If he did or didn't, it wouldn't have anything to do with whether it was legal or illegal.
I read "Remembrance of Things Past" in the original French. I never start the day without reading me some [Marcel] Proust.
The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning “ability to,” and bics, meaning “withstand tremendous boredom.
Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have around the Home.
There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
Unlike cats dogs never scratch you when you wash them. They just become very sad and try to figure out what they did wrong.
In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.
The Democrats believe that if God did not want them to raise taxes, He would not have created the Internal Revenue Service.
Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.
I haven't been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years. Or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either.
We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.
The primary function of the government is - and here I am quoting directly from the U.S. Constitution - 'to spew out paper.'
My mother told me, “Son, it is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.” I have tried very hard to heed those words.
Your hand and your mouth agreed many years ago that, as far as chocolate is concerned, there is no need to involve your brain.
Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
For the benefit of those of you who have real jobs and are not involved in the news business, I should first explain that . . .
Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?
Sailboats are the slowest form of transportation on Earth with the possible exeption of airline flights that go through O'Hare.
The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.
The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.
Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons.
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
England manufactures most of the world's airline food, as well as all the food you ever ate in your junior-high-school cafeteria.
If the security personnel do their job properly, they just might cause you to miss your plane, thereby possibly saving your life.
I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show, which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'.
The older I get and the more fiction I write, the more I outline, the more I think about plot before I dive in and plunge too far.
In my experience, if you go to a hospital for any reason whatsoever, including to read the gas meter, they give you a tetanus shot.
The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.
It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.
San Francisco leads the world in the category of Most People On The Sidewalk Holding Conversations With Purely Imaginary Companions.
Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.
American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.
Spain travel tip: If bathroom genders are indicated by flamingos, the boy flamingo is the one with a hat. I learned this the hard way.
One key lesson of history is that virtually anything, including afternoon or evening thundershowers, causes Germany to invade Belgium.
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
Tokyo is huge. Something like 15 million people live there, and my estimate is that at any given moment, 14.7 million of them are lost.
To people who make moving ads that block the view of websites: Not only will we not buy from you, but we want shrews to eat your liver.
There shall be a National Anthem containing incomprehensible words and a high note that normal humans cannot hit without risk of hernia.
I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to.
The science fair has long been a favorite educational tool in the American school system, and for a good reason: Your teachers hate you.
After the war, Prohibition was passed, and with liquor no longer legally available the nation plunged headlong into the Great Depression.