Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Like all writers, my greatest inspiration, my ultimate muse, is a deadline.
Do not put this product in a big vat and drop rats into it from a cat-walk.
Today, you're 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic table.
Can we move this conversation along, I'm getting frightfully tired of 'hoa'.
I'm one of those people who tells my wife, "No coaching from the sidelines."
Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.
Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.
Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.
No man had ever knocked little Richard down. But of course Ammm was not a man.
The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.
The best time to go to Disney World, if you want to avoid huge crowds, is 1962.
The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire.
To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.
You should be prepared for anything during divorce proceedings - even the truth.
It would be hard to conceive of any activity more useless than stamp collecting.
Florida's number three industry, behind tourism and skin cancer, is voter fraud.
The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.
Flying from the United States to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.
For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.
The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.
There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.
People in the computer industry use the term 'user,' which to them means 'idiot.'
Are we ever going to have a federal tax system that regular people can understand?
All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow.
Dogs love to go for rides. A dog will happily get into any vehicle going anywhere.
In modern America, food is abundant everywhere except aboard commercial airplanes.
A gene can be either dominant or recessive, depending on which type of gene it is.
If Mozart had power tools, there's no telling how great his music might have been.
Your guess is as good as mine. Better probably, because you haven't had four beers.
The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
Beneath their surface differences, there are a lot of deep, underlying differences.
Always remember that if editors were so damned smart, they would know how to dress.
If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers.
Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.
Sign at a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
The books all say that barracuda rarely eat people, but very few barracuda can read.
Most recently I read Michael Lewis "Boomerang." The other guy I love is Bill Bryson.
...Hell, which as every frequent traveler knows, is in Concourse D of O'Hare Airport.
Never try to put all the chemicals in the entire world in your body at the same time.
I have never had a point in my life to make. I'm just trying to entertain the reader.
As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would interfere with flight.
I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
As the saying goes: "If you're not part of the solution, you're a newspaper columnist."
I'm happy to start on one topic and end on another one entirely, as long as it's funny.
Before going on a diet you should consult your doctor, or at least send him some money.
I report as a machine; I write as a person. That clear dichotomy softens the transition.