Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I have no grand scheme.
I don't watch reality TV.
I'm not really a music guy.
I never wanted to be famous.
Jesse Joyce is a great writer.
I'm not like a performer type.
I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes.
I don't watch reality TV. I'm cool.
Being on the road is kind of lonely.
Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?
I have soundtracks for a lot of stuff.
I used to do drugs, but that was way back there.
Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.
I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.
Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.
I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.
I wanna get a little drunk, but I also want some pancakes.
Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.
I don't think I'm a star or a celebrity or any thing like that.
I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.
When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.
When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.
I don't mind a crowd's not laughing; it's the groans that slow down the show.
I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.
I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family.
I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears.
For me, Molly Hatchet is high school. It makes me feel like I have hair and a future.
I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.
Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It's garbage. It's not going to go bad again.
So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
Sometimes it's hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes.
I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.
Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.
Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.
If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.
Even now, as we speak, people are having sex with animals. And we wonder why the animals attack us.
Have you seen that magazine Barely Legal? That means when you look at it, you're almost a pedophile.
I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.
Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?
You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.
Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright?
I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so... I'm not kiddin!
Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.
I'm very romantic when I masturbate. Sometimes I light a candle...then I try and shoot it out. It's like a carnival.
My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's amazing.
You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.
I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.
Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.