Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I mean my goal is to get Michael Richards to do stand up at the Laugh Factory to an all black audience.
I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.
e foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.
The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.
My favorite thing to steal is a kiss. You can get arrested for it but they can't force you to give it back.
I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.
I wasn't a pain in the ass when I was a kid. So I think being a screw-up as an adult is way more acceptable.
I worked in Toronto for two days. And by work I mean sit in a trailer for 15 hours, say two lines, and leave.
My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had... so he sent me to a girls school.
The only thing surfers have in common with the rest of America is they're unemployed and they love crystal meth.
I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.
You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.
I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am.
How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.
I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me.
Canadians complain too much. 'I like seasons.' So do I; that's why I live in a place that skips the [unpleasant] ones.
Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.
I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars.
Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.
Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.
I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I.
I don't know, maybe I'm immature, but I still find it funny if I dump cold water on my girlfriend when she's in the shower.
I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.
I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.
We owe it to our troops to let them sleep in their own beds, wake up in the morning, have a delicious breakfast, and drive to war.
It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.
It's the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central, and they've been good to me.
Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is; if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.
You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"
I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.
I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.
I don't know what fire is made of - hell nobody does. All I know is that fire is awesome. I'm not a pyromaniac, but I am a pyroenthusiast.
Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.
When you're in young love your pulse pounds, your palms sweat, and there are butterflies in your stomach. It's like diarrhea for your heart.
I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume you do your best work in the morning. Probably gets abstract by noon.
Until I see proof of this reincarnation or cloning, I'm gonna live up this life. That was kinda the path I took. But I fulfilled my obligations.
Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot.
Here's what I tell people now when they come to my shows: 'First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.'
If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?
I'm also not good with numbers either, so it's not a great mix. People apparently don't want you ball-parkin' it when it comes to their finances.
Here’s what I tell people now when they come to my shows: “First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.”
I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.
I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I'm tired of walking 5K. I'm pretty sure I don't have to sweat for cancer. I'll write a check.
Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.
I guess it could be seen as a form of rebellion, but (my dad) is pretty supportive. He's knows I'm just an idiot, so I think that softens it a little bit.
Making a good music video isn't easy. If it were, MTV would still be showing them instead of '16 and Pregnant,' which I assume is shot exclusively in Utah.
You know, you can only cram your beliefs down a young kid's throat for so long before he goes, "you know, the other side seems to be having a lot more fun."
I go to the dentist every six months, I get a cleaning, so... I'm fortunate enough that those fluoride treatments as a child worked. Not getting any cavities.
Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.'