Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.
Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.
Finding my dog's g spot is taking way longer than I would care to admit.
I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.
High school is just like glee, a bunch of people dying of drug overdose.
I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.
I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.
You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!
Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.
Even people who don't believe in science still have to believe in gravity.
I feel bad sometimes because I secretly hope New Orleans gets nailed again.
The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.
Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.
Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.
I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.
Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.
You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.
There's only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.
No touching... Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people's fingers.
They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.
Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?
The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?
I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.
I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.
Every video from Russia is depressing, it's like they have their cameras set to sad.
I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house.
It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.
God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.
You never see anyone wearing a black turtleneck and leather jacket doing something nice.
Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.
If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.
Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.
I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that.
The hardest working person in showbusiness has never been or ever will be a 'famous person'.
I'm not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That's my range.
People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.
Even the klan revamped their image by losing the hoods and changing their name to the Tea Party.
I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.
Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.
Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.
That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.
I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.
I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.
If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?
Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.
I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.
Sure I may look adjusted, but I can't function in normal society because most of you are too stupid.
One day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen doves.
I don't know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.
I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.