Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Kangoroos can't hop backwards.
Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.
I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all
I can say that. I have a television show.
It's not a stereotype if it's always true.
It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!
You are a sick freak who should be beaten.
Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him.
Describe your perfect man who looks like me.
I’m a Bad Test Taker…you mean you’re stupid?
Scattergories is second base for Christians.
Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.
You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.
Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love.
Never trust anyone who buttons their top button.
Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?
Never hit a woman unless you are a bigger woman.
The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.
Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.
If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.
It's all fun and games until someone gets a boner.
How come New York gets all the cool plane crashes?
You know who makes a great first impression? Liars.
If you snort enough blow, any lane is a passing lane.
Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.
If Canada were really that great, it would be a state.
At least gays don't kill babies before their due date.
My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.
Racing does to white guys what movies do to black guys.
A gynecologist is the dentist for the downstairs mouth.
I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
Yes, I am aware that I am the gayer version of Jeff Lewis.
I'll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?!
Sometimes my mind wanders; other times it leaves completely.
Germany's like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.
The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog.
By the way, nothing I ever say, ever, has any truth behind it.
I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they're not ugly.
If you offer me a starring role in a movie, I have no interest.
I like my women like I like my coffee . . . I don’t like coffee.
No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.
Big, skinny, regular size it doesn't matter as long as your young.
You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.
I'll do anything usually if there's money involved and little work.
I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.
I fell asleep watching the country music channel and woke up racist.
Now it's time for amasians... That's Asians doing something amazing.
If you have ever typed 'sorry not sorry' I hope you die... not sorry.
Technically it's not premarital sex if you don't plan on marrying them.