Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?
Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.
Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.
One phrase you don't want kicking off your obituary is, Never, in the long history of bungee jumping.
I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.
One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.
What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.
A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.
If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.
If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised.
Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?
Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.
Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.
We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.
Like many indelible family memories, carving a pumpkin begins with someone grabbing a really sharp knife.
A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.
Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.
I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.
I'm of the generation of kids where the G.I. Joe's developed Kung Fu Grip right around the same time I did.
I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.
If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice.
New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!
Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done.
I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.
A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby.
There must be a way to get more of these in me faster, thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat eating peas.
Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.
When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.
Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.
Rejected names for World War II: 'Global Super Killfest', 'Germaniacal Japandamonium', 'World War 1: New Moon'.
Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?
Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.
Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look... great?
My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.
Please don't let all the freak storms and climate change lead you to believe in freak storms and climate change.
I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.
I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.
If you read angry political blogs, substitute Obama with my daddy and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.
It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?
A giant python was discovered in Florida. Spooky news for a state that derives half it's income from a giant mouse.
Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas, like the parent lounge at a children's beauty pageant.
The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.
Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.
Many stroke survivors look back on their attack as a stroke of luck. Of course, by luck they mean horrible paralysis.
Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?
The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.
A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.
I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That's me, always the bridesmaid.
To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.
Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.